Untitled – Chapter 1

As the light of day fades into dreamscape

Are you dancing with reminiscences?

Are you dancing with me?

As you drift away on a ocean of contemplation

Do your wishes wrap around me?

Do you desires embrace me?

For your words let me go

Like a ghost dancing in the back of your mind

Where you no longer play


Rambling on without edit or much thinking- “Mutual”

It’s not often that I feel the need to freely express myself without doing it in poetry which is where I am most comfortable, it almost gives me a wall of protection from my thoughts because I have to focus on a specific way of expressing myself. Today, however, I have decided to just write about how I am feeling, without prose. As a behavioural science and psychology student I am all aware of the focus on being a complete individual without needing someone “to complete” you and delving into this further, that one should not NEED acknowledgement from others to feel fulfilled or whole.  I’m sure that works well for perfect people, or people who have reached a level of self awareness or enlightenment that I clearly have not reached.

I am just an ordinary flawed human being and fairly well balanced, although I have my slightly psychotic moments. I am struggling. I acknowledge a particular person in my life every day, and yet I do not receive the same kind of acknowledgement, if at all, and I am constantly reminded of such, possibly I am more aware of it now because it has been highlighted by certain recent events and comments and it is starting to hurt. On the other side of this I have a person who acknowledges me all the time, acknowledges who I am , how I am, who shows appreciation for me as a friend and as an important part of their life and our friendship is so much richer for this mutual respect, and appreciation and perhaps love in a sense.

Ahhhhh, mutual.….. good word, often used completely out of context. When someone throws “mutual” at me, I worry. From my experience I have learned that often this means “me”. That’s right “mutual respect” means respect me, often the “I will respect you” is left out of this two way street.

I always try and see things from another’s perspective, but I’m beginning to wonder if someone’s inability or failure to try and see things from my perspective perhaps equals disrespect. And perhaps this is partly my fault for allowing people to rely on my acknowledgement, respect, love, and yet I do not hold them to them same standard. I don’t want to demand this of anyone, but I do feel I have earned it; respect and acknowledgement that is.

I think in relationships across the board, what you want from a relationship is what you should give, and I think if one person becomes a giver and the other a “taker” so to speak, perhaps a re-evaluation is necessary.  Perhaps your energy should be focussed on yourself and the people around you that deserve your energy. I don’t want to “need” anyone and I don’t like feeling like I am only acknowledged when needed, I truly believe that relationships are not 70/30 or 50/50 or 20/80 I believe they are 100/100.  So do I now say that I need to take a step back or do I continue to put into the relationship that which I would like in return?

Here is my honest opinion:

Imagine your life without that person in it. Taking someone for granted is akin to forgetting or ignoring what that person’s role is in your life. Perhaps I have taught people that I will be there no matter what, and yet never asked for that in return. Maybe I need to ask for the acknowledgement and further ask that person to imagine their life without me and for me to imagine my life without them and I think the answer will become clear.  I honestly feel that if my absence from someone’s life would not really matter, then perhaps I don’t belong there in the first place or perhaps the relationship needs to change to a somewhat “acquaintance” level.  For me, the biggest concern is that when I ask myself who I turn to when life is beating me up, who is the person I reveal my feelings to, I realise it isn’t who it should be………..


AN INAPPROPRIATE LOVE SONG

AN INAPPROPRIATE LOVE SONG

I fall into love

You may say in love

I say fall into love

It’s a rabbit hole

I am Alice and I have lost my mind and I’m too late

I see you in the looking glass

And I feel your lips touch mine

I am on fire

And you don’t know but I stalk you with my daydreams

I imagine the conversations that wrap me up tenderly

And make love with my soul

That caress me with understanding and lips

And fingertips gently reading me like a blind man exploring

A velvet painting

You may say in love

I say fall into love

I feel you, the tips of my fingers stroking the satin smooth skin at the base of your back  

And I tremble

As your arms pull me into the wonderland of your mind

And I am taken by you

Into love and ecstasy

The butterflies in my stomach

Settle as the day dream gives way

But I am haunted

By you

 

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


Unicorn Glitter Pants – Playing with insanity

Image

Unicorn glitter pants

 

Unicorn glitter pants and rainbows of honey

Bluebirds and chocolate streams

And leprechauns dancing

The world in my head is a playground of candy

The swings touch clouds of velvety ice cream

And at the end of the slip slide is a jar of candy money

Love is filling the sky with musical laughing

And the funniest thing is the flute playing monkey.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


The Waking Dream Door

The Waking Dream Door

In the illusion of consciousness

Through the waking dream door

My mind does a dance through faith

It tangles itself in a spider web of rainbows

And runs through the endless seas of possibility

Never for a second doubting the truth of the lie

In that time and space I am floating on wings

Of candy and glitter and the world only sings

These moments are rare and blissfully eager

Of the light to come and the day to go on

The light enters in like a thief in the night

And the waking dream door lets reality in

The rainbows dissolve and the candy wings float

Away from my arms desperately open

Into the dreamscape of wishes unspoken.  

 

 © Christie Marie Kruger 2014


Cherry Blossom Spring

cherry_blossom_004 http://www.vanishingtattoo.com/tds/tattoos_designs_symbols_flower_cherryblossom_inspiration.htm

 

Clipping the wings of romanticised dreams

Reminded to see things just as they seem

The voice in your head that hints to your heart

Time to build a small wall so you don’t fall apart

Clipping the wings of an idealised love

Prevent tears that blend with rain from above

The knot in your belly tells you a tale

True love often its path does fail

You cannot wait for Cherry Blossom spring

If by autumn the heart knows what winter will bring.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


crazy heartbreak rant

And you’re just walking home and the sky opens up and pours on you without warning drenching you in seconds, and instead of running to shelter as any sane person would do you stand there and suddenly realise the water pouring down your face isn’t from the rain but from the storm breaking inside of you.

But you have to not look like a crazy person so you run for shelter and hide under the eaves of a closed store shivering as the wind bites through your thin cotton shirt and you sit on your haunches and search your bag violently and desperately for your lighter, cause if you smoke you won’t cry…

but it isn’t there so now you’re just a haunch sitting, soaked crazy woman weeping on the side of the road water falling from the eaves in front of you like a waterfall like the waterfall you went to together and ran around naked in, a memory that should invoke a smile and naughty chuckle but instead sends a searing pain like a fiery dagger through your chest and your throat closes.

You berate yourself and suck it all back in because you mother is phoning to say she will rescue you from the rain……so you put on your brave face stand up tall. You get home soaked and dripping, you grab a towel and throw off your clothes, cause you don’t want to drip on the carpet, you grab dry clothes from the cupboard without looking and it’s his shirt you grab

his shirt, the one he left for you, it smells like him and you collapse to the floor silent tears of devastation seeping from you, but you stop yourself because things need to be done, you need to shower and feed the cats and do your laundry. So you do.

Then you sit back down and pour a glass of wine hoping for anger to overcome you, but instead you silently weep glass and cigarette in hand, admitting to yourself that of everything you survived, everything you have fought for has been for what you really wanted and what your really wanted was to spend life with him by your side, sliding down mudbanks and dancing in waterfalls and watching series and eating too much junk food and laughing at inhouse skyrim jokes.

What you really really wanted was to share your life with this person, this person who is the only person that knows who you really are. With this person, who despite the ups and downs is really the best friend you ever had. And because you don’t know what the fuck to do without them, you rant on a blog, hoping just a little bit that he maybe misses you too.

This person who was just supposed to go away for a year, not let you go on the first day he left you. He was just supposed to leave for a bit, not let you go forever.

And I still can’t find my fucking lighter, so I have to use the toaster. 

 


Goodbye Charlie Brown

Dear Charlie Brown

 

It was the best of times. A weekend that was perfect in it’s veil of pretence. To say goodbye ripped me apart, but I stayed whole, in my naivete believing that you’re on a great adventure and you’ll come home with stories to entertain me while I hold you tight.

 

You left me a shirt. I put it on my pillow so that for that split moment before I slept and before I awoke, you were there.

 

You left and flew away and I said goodbye, thinking that in time we would say hello.

 

I didn’t know you had already decided to let me go.

 

I didn’t know that it wasn’t real. I tried not to believe when you didn’t answer my love message, the second time I knew, but pretended not to. The third time I knew.

 

It is over.

 

I miss you and the part of me you took with you.

 

But I won’t cry because I should’ve known.

I wont cry because you only love me when you need me.

I wont cry because I cant feel anything.  


Invisible story

I don’t exist… those weren’t the words precisely

But the sword cut deep and clear,

“We have loved him always, you were never there”

My name it has no memory

It has never passed his lips

So they ask who I am to him, do I really exist.

 

I look at the walls of memory I have created out of love

I note that I’m barely included, well there are two moments of drunk bliss

The perfect little pictures of smiles and hugs and love

The hundred memory mentions, I am not part of this

 

I wanted to explain, defend my place and truth

But the evidence is clear, it’s a truth I can’t resist.

In every precious moment, something is amiss

The ugly truth is realised, if I’m not needed I’m not missed.

I am an invisible story.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


REALITY

Enter the monster that consumes my bliss;

Black shadows roll in and drown my happiness;

With practiced perfection I smile to eyes

That cannot see deeper than their own cries.

 

Enter the truth, wielding its sword;

Slicing denial, the emotions do pour

Into a pillow, the safest of cages

One day I will write those tears onto pages.

 

My movie of wishes is fading from mind;

What future is this that love cannot find?

The tremor, the lump that my throat tightens around

The feelings I wish I had never found.

 

I swallow the scream and block out the cold

This heart of mine is a story untold.

I paint over the pain with a bright sunny streak;

This anguish I feel can never speak.

 

I smile for the cameras, the eyes that seek weak

And listen intently while the whole world speaks

Of their hurt and their pain and unfairness of life

While I am cut deeply by life’s cruel knife.

 

I stand tall, my decision solid,

That I would love without requirement

This is my choice to set love free

This pain is a decision that I made for me.

 

This moment is my self-made reality.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


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