Goodbye Angel Friend

Sometimes our lives are touched by someone in such a way that can never be properly expressed. You meet someone whose inner beauty and love just hugs you and never lets go. I lost one of those people today. A boy I met 8 years ago at varsity. He was so talented you could feel creativity pouring from him. But so much more than that was who he was as a person. I went back to university at the age of 27, my classmates being much younger, filled me with the awe and wonder that youth brings. AJ, my cine, my photographer, my sounding board, my friend. Oh the memories. Observatory in its heyday and long AFDA hours filming, running between my house and the Y. We laughed together and cried together. Today I have to say goodbye and I am struggling to accept that someone so beautiful is gone from my life. There are few people I keep in my life, and our long distance conversations and jokes and endless messages meant the world to me. You reached out to me and lifted me up when I was in my darkest hour, now I don’t know if I ever thanked you, or if I offered the same support back. I do know that I have a hole in my heart that I am not sure I can ever fill, and that I am angry that in a world with so many assholes, an angel was taken. You will never be forgotten. I will cherish you always with much love and respect. xoxox

 

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When love teaches

I have felt love. I have felt love without trust. Love without respect. I have been broken, Torn. Mangled in love.

 

You ask how I trust now, and I say I trust because I choose to, because I have no reason not to and a millions reasons to. I trust because I respect. Because I know. I trust for no one reason but for a million.

 

You ask how I know that this will not end mangled and torn and bloody. I don’t. I do know that for now, I have been given a gift. Perhaps not a permanent gift, but I have learned the the only thing I am certain of is change. I am no longer afraid of change. I am no longer afraid of trust. I am no longer afraid of pain.

 

I am enveloped in respect and a belief and this gift shall never be forgotten, no matter the end. The journey thus far in this mutual connection has granted me more wisdom than I have ever gained.

 

I have learned to understand the will and want and freedom of the spirit of the individual. To respect that and to understand that we are all on our journeys, and paths cross, and we go our separate ways, and perhaps should the universe conspire to do so, paths cross again.

 

I have learned forgiveness through empathy, and in acknowledging that as much as I get lost on my journey so do others. I have learned we all cower in the shadows with the same fears and that is only for us to overcome. I have learned that to love means to allow the spirit of another to be as it needs to be. That love does not possess but encourages growth, should that means paths diverge then so be it.

 

Love it is a strange phenomenon, one I am unsure I will never fully understand. I know this a love I had never expected, and I know it is an unpredictable one. I am not afraid of this any more, this inability to control and predict and guarantee. I do know I am grateful to learn and to see such beauty of a person. I understand the courage behind the chance. I understand that in this time of my life, I am learning the most beautiful lesson.

 

I understand that in order for my heart to be whole and given freely, I am not to expect, I am not to possess, I am not to demand.

 

This love is my greatest teacher. I will take that exactly as it is. 


I have never been here before

I haven’t been here before
And that frightens me
It is easier to be on unstable land and expect it to fall away from underneath you
It is easier to visit mistrust and have it proven and to balance on uncertainty of respect until you fall and you knew you would.
So I haven’t been here before; where I stand firm on solid ground of respect
Where the walls around me are plastered with honour and trust and not the prisons of insecurity and self-doubt
I have never known such a place where I am strong and supported at the same time
Where I am comforted but motivated to not get comfortable in mediocrity
I am challenged without malice, I am appreciated and not placed on a pedestal I cannot climb down from
I am in a place where I am safe in who I am, in my faults and my gifts
I trust, I honour, I love
I am trusted, honoured and loved
I have visited many places, and this is the first time I am home.


The time between

There are times when I am engulfed by a deep sadness and longing
For the time in between
The time in the middle of the spirals we have travelled to love each other
The time we lost figuring out
What we knew but were afraid of
There are times when I am engulfed by a deep sadness and longing
For the time ahead
The time ahead where I know I will let you go again and again
To let you live
Your life on your terms
I know what I love most about you is what will hurt me in the end


Untitled – Chapter 1

As the light of day fades into dreamscape

Are you dancing with reminiscences?

Are you dancing with me?

As you drift away on a ocean of contemplation

Do your wishes wrap around me?

Do you desires embrace me?

For your words let me go

Like a ghost dancing in the back of your mind

Where you no longer play


Rambling on without edit or much thinking- “Mutual”

It’s not often that I feel the need to freely express myself without doing it in poetry which is where I am most comfortable, it almost gives me a wall of protection from my thoughts because I have to focus on a specific way of expressing myself. Today, however, I have decided to just write about how I am feeling, without prose. As a behavioural science and psychology student I am all aware of the focus on being a complete individual without needing someone “to complete” you and delving into this further, that one should not NEED acknowledgement from others to feel fulfilled or whole.  I’m sure that works well for perfect people, or people who have reached a level of self awareness or enlightenment that I clearly have not reached.

I am just an ordinary flawed human being and fairly well balanced, although I have my slightly psychotic moments. I am struggling. I acknowledge a particular person in my life every day, and yet I do not receive the same kind of acknowledgement, if at all, and I am constantly reminded of such, possibly I am more aware of it now because it has been highlighted by certain recent events and comments and it is starting to hurt. On the other side of this I have a person who acknowledges me all the time, acknowledges who I am , how I am, who shows appreciation for me as a friend and as an important part of their life and our friendship is so much richer for this mutual respect, and appreciation and perhaps love in a sense.

Ahhhhh, mutual.….. good word, often used completely out of context. When someone throws “mutual” at me, I worry. From my experience I have learned that often this means “me”. That’s right “mutual respect” means respect me, often the “I will respect you” is left out of this two way street.

I always try and see things from another’s perspective, but I’m beginning to wonder if someone’s inability or failure to try and see things from my perspective perhaps equals disrespect. And perhaps this is partly my fault for allowing people to rely on my acknowledgement, respect, love, and yet I do not hold them to them same standard. I don’t want to demand this of anyone, but I do feel I have earned it; respect and acknowledgement that is.

I think in relationships across the board, what you want from a relationship is what you should give, and I think if one person becomes a giver and the other a “taker” so to speak, perhaps a re-evaluation is necessary.  Perhaps your energy should be focussed on yourself and the people around you that deserve your energy. I don’t want to “need” anyone and I don’t like feeling like I am only acknowledged when needed, I truly believe that relationships are not 70/30 or 50/50 or 20/80 I believe they are 100/100.  So do I now say that I need to take a step back or do I continue to put into the relationship that which I would like in return?

Here is my honest opinion:

Imagine your life without that person in it. Taking someone for granted is akin to forgetting or ignoring what that person’s role is in your life. Perhaps I have taught people that I will be there no matter what, and yet never asked for that in return. Maybe I need to ask for the acknowledgement and further ask that person to imagine their life without me and for me to imagine my life without them and I think the answer will become clear.  I honestly feel that if my absence from someone’s life would not really matter, then perhaps I don’t belong there in the first place or perhaps the relationship needs to change to a somewhat “acquaintance” level.  For me, the biggest concern is that when I ask myself who I turn to when life is beating me up, who is the person I reveal my feelings to, I realise it isn’t who it should be………..


AN INAPPROPRIATE LOVE SONG

AN INAPPROPRIATE LOVE SONG

I fall into love

You may say in love

I say fall into love

It’s a rabbit hole

I am Alice and I have lost my mind and I’m too late

I see you in the looking glass

And I feel your lips touch mine

I am on fire

And you don’t know but I stalk you with my daydreams

I imagine the conversations that wrap me up tenderly

And make love with my soul

That caress me with understanding and lips

And fingertips gently reading me like a blind man exploring

A velvet painting

You may say in love

I say fall into love

I feel you, the tips of my fingers stroking the satin smooth skin at the base of your back  

And I tremble

As your arms pull me into the wonderland of your mind

And I am taken by you

Into love and ecstasy

The butterflies in my stomach

Settle as the day dream gives way

But I am haunted

By you

 

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


Unicorn Glitter Pants – Playing with insanity

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Unicorn glitter pants

 

Unicorn glitter pants and rainbows of honey

Bluebirds and chocolate streams

And leprechauns dancing

The world in my head is a playground of candy

The swings touch clouds of velvety ice cream

And at the end of the slip slide is a jar of candy money

Love is filling the sky with musical laughing

And the funniest thing is the flute playing monkey.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


The Waking Dream Door

The Waking Dream Door

In the illusion of consciousness

Through the waking dream door

My mind does a dance through faith

It tangles itself in a spider web of rainbows

And runs through the endless seas of possibility

Never for a second doubting the truth of the lie

In that time and space I am floating on wings

Of candy and glitter and the world only sings

These moments are rare and blissfully eager

Of the light to come and the day to go on

The light enters in like a thief in the night

And the waking dream door lets reality in

The rainbows dissolve and the candy wings float

Away from my arms desperately open

Into the dreamscape of wishes unspoken.  

 

 © Christie Marie Kruger 2014


Cherry Blossom Spring

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Clipping the wings of romanticised dreams

Reminded to see things just as they seem

The voice in your head that hints to your heart

Time to build a small wall so you don’t fall apart

Clipping the wings of an idealised love

Prevent tears that blend with rain from above

The knot in your belly tells you a tale

True love often its path does fail

You cannot wait for Cherry Blossom spring

If by autumn the heart knows what winter will bring.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014


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