the love

Once I fell in love madly. Love at first sight. We were flawed, with open wounds. We went our separate ways, searching for ourselves.

Once I fell in love slowly and steadily in a friendship that blossomed and grew. Two people finding out how to love ourselves and somehow in between our love entwined and created a bond.

I did not fall in love with two different people. I fell in love with one person twice.

I fell in love with crazy singing in the car, shared pizzas, running naked through waterfalls, sliding in mud. I fell in love with a person who wasn’t afraid of his dreams no matter how daunting, a person who challenges my insecurities, forces me to grow by leaping despite fear. I fell in love with the way he holds my hand, and laughs at me and with me. I fell in love with the way he doesn’t laugh at me falling over things that aren’t there, nor does he run to rescue me from my clumsiness, but rather how he just holds out his hand to help me up.

I fell in love with a mind speeding faster than mine, with a multitude of open google tabs, literally and figuratively. I fell in love with the way he says “I understand” and means it. I love the way he hugs me so hard I cannot breathe, the way he pulls me close when I lest expect it. The way he runs his fingers up my spine when he is standing close.

I fell in love with the quiet moments where nothing was said, but the silence didn’t matter. I fell in love with the way he gently brushes my hair from my face as I am falling asleep and the way he calls me beautiful first thing in the morning and tells me my hair is “full bodied” when it in fact looks like a mini chewbacca is attached to my head.

I love talking about everything and nothing. I love the small things and the moments that are just ours. I love the way he forgives and tries to understand everyone rather than judge them.

I am in love with my best friend.

The Waking Dream Door

The Waking Dream Door

In the illusion of consciousness

Through the waking dream door

My mind does a dance through faith

It tangles itself in a spider web of rainbows

And runs through the endless seas of possibility

Never for a second doubting the truth of the lie

In that time and space I am floating on wings

Of candy and glitter and the world only sings

These moments are rare and blissfully eager

Of the light to come and the day to go on

The light enters in like a thief in the night

And the waking dream door lets reality in

The rainbows dissolve and the candy wings float

Away from my arms desperately open

Into the dreamscape of wishes unspoken.

REALITY

Enter the monster that consumes my bliss;

Black shadows roll in and drown my happiness;

With practiced perfection I smile to eyes

That cannot see deeper than their own cries.

Enter the truth, wielding its sword;

Slicing denial, the emotions do pour

Into a pillow, the safest of cages

One day I will write those tears onto pages.

My movie of wishes is fading from mind;

What future is this that love cannot find?

The tremor, the lump that my throat tightens around

The feelings I wish I had never found.

I swallow the scream and block out the cold

This heart of mine is a story untold.

I paint over the pain with a bright sunny streak;

This anguish I feel can never speak.

I smile for the cameras, the eyes that seek weak

And listen intently while the whole world speaks

Of their hurt and their pain and unfairness of life

While I am cut deeply by life’s cruel knife.

I stand tall, my decision solid,

That I would love without requirement

This is my choice to set love free

This pain is a decision that I made for me.

This moment is my self-made reality.

Fear

Bullshit I say to myself

Hiding away from my emotions with justification, rationalising and a lie.

I have wrapped my soul in a lie.

A lie used to cover the wounds and the scars and the disappointments.

A lie that shrouds the tears I should cry, that locks my happiness in a box because I am afraid.

Fear. That dreaded abyss of an emotion that eats away at you slowly and meticulously.

The fear that surrounds a Pandora’s box filled with everything I want and can’t have, hiding everything I crave, everything that I want to scream from the top of the highest mountain so my voice carries into the open sky of the universe.

Fear. Desires never whispered, in case the world was deaf.

Fear. Hope that didn’t get to sing its song.

Fear. Disguising the bare bones of my soul.

Fear.