Monthly Archives: October 2013

Exhausted ranting and confused thinking

I’m finding it difficult to express how I feel recently. I’ve had to put my life into little boxes and choose what is really important. Now I don’t particularly believe that we can fully divide our life into little separate boxes entirely but I think it is important to put that which is trivial and a constant source of negativity aside. I have in my life had to face monsters/demons and I did so with anger and projection onto others, seeing the monsters in them so I didn’t have to fully admit that those monsters were within me. Recently I have had the blessing of a series of moments that forced me to look within, and put forth that which I felt was most important. In an inability to fully express this in my own words I will use Viktor Frankl’s “will-to-meaning”. What is my purpose? What kept me moving forward in those darkest moments when I could have chosen to give up and sink into an oblivion of anger, hate, self pity and defeat? What was so innately strong within me, what was I clinging to that helped me climb out of a pit of darkness? I don’t know, but I know that I have purpose. I know that in all things light and dark I have learned lessons. I believe I already know what creates the inner peace and strength that has brought me forward, stronger. I just don’t have a name for it and I lose sight of it when I allow negativity and others’ anger and forcefulness and hate to swallow part of what I have fought so hard to find. In that I have learned my greatest lesson. I can choose what light and dark I allow into my life, and I do not need to make any excuses for sheltering myself from that which I find creates discord with my inner being. Life in of itself presents many obstacles and hardships, that I cannot change, I can however choose how I deal with them. The same goes for people, I can learn from many, and sometimes the lesson is not what is said or done, but in how I choose to deal with them. I choose to have people in my life who will push me to be a better me. Not a copy of themselves, not a reflection of their anger, disappointments and cynicism, not to be bullied into believing in what they believe, but to challenge me to question and learn by promoting an environment of free thought and free will and the space to grow in my own space.


Reflection 2013

In my reflection I see a million chances missed

a hundred frogs kissed

and in my eyes a thousand tales I will never tell.

A whirlpool of ideas my reflected mind dances unable to express.

Like moths around a flame,

a million and one directions, getting nowhere and finally being burned.

In my eyes reflected I see more pain and more joy than I remember wanting,

like emeralds they shine, childish and ancient memories,

thoughts and dreams in a split second of soul life. © Christie Marie Kruger


truth in mysterious code

In a physical pain without diagnosis or cause;

through the journey of lucidity and further to dreamscape;

the clarity of concious and subconscious

unifying in truth It is now known to me.

I question my motives;

and comprehension descends

Of my self denial;

Why can I not read or feel the connection,

it has slowly weakened;

Why is my body racked with pain that jolts me in waves of torture;

Had I denied you so much;

Do I deny myself so much;

Committed to my own certainty of platonic adoration; and respectful love;

I am told that I must deny my heart and so I bury it beneath something larger than I;

And here now I stand with two truths;

equal disasters equal ecstasy

and I stand

I cannot;

will not

shall not move. © Christie Marie Kruger


I have a voice

I have a voice;

Don’t drown me out with your angered opinion;

But gather with me in an exchange of minds;

I have a voice;

Keep still in your fight and think of your words;

And join me in a quest for truth;

I have a voice that echoes the abundance of information

That life has granted me blessing to

I have a voice that echoes questions and answers

And answers that show more question than fact

Keep still

Keep still and listen without intent to reply

Keep still and listen to words with open eyes

And let me learn, not be beaten

I have a voice.  © Christie Marie Kruger


I was smarter in 2006

Answers In the most silent of silences, in the most peaceful peace. This is where our souls grow. Some choose to live in self created chaos, self manipulating their own minds to believe that turbulence brings growth and learning. Only in the silence; in our most serene moments do we truly grow, for it is only then we are as one with souls and purpose. Some are afraid that their lives are meaningless or that they are not moving forward if there days are not filled with ecstasy and angst. Only in calm contentment do we find ourselves. In angst and ecstasy we are merely exaggerated and invented masks of ourselves and in this chaos we lose who we truly are. It is true that our hours of angst and ecstasy may be that catalyst which creates the awareness of the need to grow, but it is necessary to sit in silence to reflect and truly ground ourselves, this is not in moments but in time. If we jump continuously between angst and ecstasy, angst to angst, ecstasy to ecstasy, if we use others to fill voids, if we use the noise of the world we live in to block our hurt and grief, we merely create an endless streaming torrent of questions for which we will never find time to unearth answers. © Christie Marie Kruger


Untitled 2006

As I pulled away and drifted, across my vision sea I felt the change in you; the same was not for me. I feel pain in joy such joy in pain; the human spirit sustains with the greater power to free others and bind yourself its a choice of selfless knowing of a never ending hollow that will be filled with naught I feel pain in your joy; joy in my pain; for freedom truly is a gift an ultimate sacrifice; for never are the rewards equal but one will suffer for another and so shall the world turn the balance is sustained by such and perhaps in time equality in freedom shall be gained by truth in translucent acceptance and open mindedness. © Christie Marie Kruger


Kneel and weep

Kneel

kneel, not in prayer, but in grief,

in humility

in gratitude

kneel

kneel and be closer to the earth from whence you’ve come

kneel and weep

weep for all you have lost,

for all you have to let go,

for all your pain

weep

weep the tears of love and hate and anger and regret

kneel and weep in humility

kneel and look up at that which you normally look down to

kneel and weep

kneel and thank the universe for all life has handed you

kneel and weep

kneel and weep and bow down to your demons your hopes

your dreams fulfilled,

your visions shattered

your regrets that consume

your pain that tears

your anger that clouds

your idealism that shrouds

kneel and weep

and weep

let go.

© Christie Marie Kruger


Saudade

Saudade

Is a Portuguese and Galacian word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which has been lost. It often carries a fatalistic tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never really return. It was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone.

I have had a few days where I have been reminded of the power of words. Slam poets and friend’s beautiful prose which reached inside me and slammed my heart against my brain. Why did stop writing. I know the answer but it’s hard to admit, to admit that I don’t process emotion like I used to. Broken hearts and corporate coldness taught me to handle emotion differently. During my “wild” years my emotions ran high and low and twisted about like a tornado in an empty field. I say my wild years, but I think those were my honest years. For thirty one years I was ruled by my heart and then I chose my head as CEO. So was it the words of others that prompted me to write? Perhaps, I know those words got me thinking. The final push was today learning that my “first love”, “long lost love”, “the one that got away”, told me he has become a dad. For seventeen years I have held onto this small sliver of hope. For seventeen years he has come to me in my dreams. Then I saw the word “saudade”. As is oft the case translation loses a words true emotional state, the translation I found ripped me to the core. When I heard the news I drowned in saudade and there I found a part of me that I had lost.

So I lost “the one” and I looked around and thought what else have I lost that I should have been holding onto and the answer slammed me backwards into myself and I thought where do I put these feelings, what do I do with the tears I cannot cry? Is there any more space in me to put emotion into boxes that remain unopened and unacknowledged? No. There is no more space, my feelings have to find freedom. So welcome to my blog. A place I hope I can be myself, and feel all that I feel. This is no place for boxes and rules and limits. This is my heart in words.


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