Is a Portuguese and Galacian word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which has been lost. It often carries a fatalistic tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never really return. It was once described as “the love that remains” or “the love that stays” after someone is gone.

I have had a few days where I have been reminded of the power of words. Slam poets and friend’s beautiful prose which reached inside me and slammed my heart against my brain. Why did stop writing. I know the answer but it’s hard to admit, to admit that I don’t process emotion like I used to. Broken hearts and corporate coldness taught me to handle emotion differently. During my “wild” years my emotions ran high and low and twisted about like a tornado in an empty field. I say my wild years, but I think those were my honest years. For thirty one years I was ruled by my heart and then I chose my head as CEO. So was it the words of others that prompted me to write? Perhaps, I know those words got me thinking. The final push was today learning that my “first love”, “long lost love”, “the one that got away”, told me he has become a dad. For seventeen years I have held onto this small sliver of hope. For seventeen years he has come to me in my dreams. Then I saw the word “saudade”. As is oft the case translation loses a words true emotional state, the translation I found ripped me to the core. When I heard the news I drowned in saudade and there I found a part of me that I had lost.

So I lost “the one” and I looked around and thought what else have I lost that I should have been holding onto and the answer slammed me backwards into myself and I thought where do I put these feelings, what do I do with the tears I cannot cry? Is there any more space in me to put emotion into boxes that remain unopened and unacknowledged? No. There is no more space, my feelings have to find freedom. So welcome to my blog. A place I hope I can be myself, and feel all that I feel. This is no place for boxes and rules and limits. This is my heart in words.


About Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

Orenda (huron)The power of human will to change the world. Set up as an opposing force to fate or destiny. If powerful forces beyond your control are trying to force a particular outcomes, orenda is a kind of vocalised summoning of personal strength to change this. A giant child, trying to find my purpose, without losing sight of all things beautiful. View all posts by Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

4 responses to “Saudade

  • observingvessel

    I feel you. Much of what you have said is very familiar and I often find myself thinking for the entire day on the purpose, point (lessness) and meaning of life and all it’s various planes and degrees of problems and their potential solutions.
    Not too long ago I though I understood love. How wrong I was. This is a concept I have only recently understood and I am still struggling to practice it.
    I have drawn somewhat of a conclusion for the moment. I found my ego got in the way of true love. I loved (and still do) love her so much, to the point where I’m expecting a reciprocation. After all, is that not what love is? As you know I believe that love cannot be forced. True love is respects free will, because if love wasn’t there on its own accord, how can it be expressed as love? It will be expressed as frustration and annoyance because maybe love wants to be elsewhere.

    I think we are all depserate for love, I know I am. But it’s no longer good enough for me just to be “loved”. There needs to be a certain quality and I long to find a connection on all the planes – Physical, emotional and mental. To find such a connection is where frustration comes in. There are too few and I am feeling it would unfulfilling and meaningless to chase after one-night stands. It’s llike searching for a unicorn.
    What I do know is the kind and quality of people I want around me and in my life and hopefully by being specific on who I interact with on a close level, will keep me in check on the kind of person I want to be and hopeully, at the same time, attract the right person for me.

    Love is a difficult terrain and only the brave dare explore. But I firmly believe that those who are brave and independently strong enough to accept truth, will always walk away the better. Be strong and shake the dust. I know how easy it is to allow that blackhole to gain momentum. I found myself sitting in self pity, only probably because I felt no one really cared of how I felt. Dark times. I have had to literally shift my perception. Shift my perception of love. It’s still difficult at times, but would I want to be with a love that wasn’t there willingly out of free will? As much as I love her I can’t have that. A life can so easily turn into one of a lie, and I cannot live that.

    I hope you see through fog and I hope you realise you are lighthouse 🙂 Be strong and write more. I like your words and I believe us humans under-estimate the power of expression through words. Be sure to express yourself, always! X

    • Christie Marie Kruger

      Thank you for your words. I forget that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling. Perhaps my ego dictates that no one could possibly understand how I feel, as though I am completely unique in my experiences. Where it is true that so many go through these times and come out the stronger for it. In all this there was a gift, the gift that hurt, so I wrote. Perhaps this was his purpose in my life all along. And thank you for your part in all this. Reading your words, so beautifully scripted, so visually meaty really made me look deep into my soul and dig out a part of myself that I had long buried. xx

      • observingvessel

        🙂 Wow, I am absolutely honoured I could play some role. Do keep writing. I think probably the most important thing in life is expression. I think it is how we individually work out life. Thats why we learn to read and write, to express. Keep it up, I feel this may be an important time for you. The world truly needs people who are keen to understand the human condition and social interaction and the great impact they actually carry. Very few entertain these ideas as they are so big. I say study what your gut and intuition says. The next step in the human evolution, I bellieve, is a mental/intellectual one and the world needs people who understand this. X

  • Christie Marie Kruger

    Thank you! xoxoxo

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