Exhausted ranting and confused thinking

I’m finding it difficult to express how I feel recently. I’ve had to put my life into little boxes and choose what is really important. Now I don’t particularly believe that we can fully divide our life into little separate boxes entirely but I think it is important to put that which is trivial and a constant source of negativity aside. I have in my life had to face monsters/demons and I did so with anger and projection onto others, seeing the monsters in them so I didn’t have to fully admit that those monsters were within me. Recently I have had the blessing of a series of moments that forced me to look within, and put forth that which I felt was most important. In an inability to fully express this in my own words I will use Viktor Frankl’s “will-to-meaning”. What is my purpose? What kept me moving forward in those darkest moments when I could have chosen to give up and sink into an oblivion of anger, hate, self pity and defeat? What was so innately strong within me, what was I clinging to that helped me climb out of a pit of darkness? I don’t know, but I know that I have purpose. I know that in all things light and dark I have learned lessons. I believe I already know what creates the inner peace and strength that has brought me forward, stronger. I just don’t have a name for it and I lose sight of it when I allow negativity and others’ anger and forcefulness and hate to swallow part of what I have fought so hard to find. In that I have learned my greatest lesson. I can choose what light and dark I allow into my life, and I do not need to make any excuses for sheltering myself from that which I find creates discord with my inner being. Life in of itself presents many obstacles and hardships, that I cannot change, I can however choose how I deal with them. The same goes for people, I can learn from many, and sometimes the lesson is not what is said or done, but in how I choose to deal with them. I choose to have people in my life who will push me to be a better me. Not a copy of themselves, not a reflection of their anger, disappointments and cynicism, not to be bullied into believing in what they believe, but to challenge me to question and learn by promoting an environment of free thought and free will and the space to grow in my own space.

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About Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

Orenda (huron)The power of human will to change the world. Set up as an opposing force to fate or destiny. If powerful forces beyond your control are trying to force a particular outcomes, orenda is a kind of vocalised summoning of personal strength to change this. A giant child, trying to find my purpose, without losing sight of all things beautiful. View all posts by Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

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