Monthly Archives: November 2013

The Muse

I have seemingly been kidnapped by my own imagination

have I escaped my reality by my own idealised distraction?

I have been trying to blog since yesterday morning, without luck. Try as I might I cannot seem to stay focussed. I know why and at first it shocked me. I am idealising another human being. Then I thought about it and thought, hang on a minute, don’t we do that with most people. I have studied human behaviour and unless I am actually focussed on it I pretty much miss clues about who people really are, hell I completely missed all clues in a previous relationship where I was living with someone who had borderline personality disorder. How? How did miss it, because I wanted to. Oh I knew there was something wrong, but I ignored that and idealised the person and the situation. So is there really anything wrong with idealising someone or a connection now, creating a idealistic friendship or connection with someone I don’t know. I mean do we ever really know anyone? Something else I considered is that this is safe, there’s no chance of rejection or arguments that can’t be resolved. The situation as it presents really is quite honest in it’s simplicity. Respect, admiration, and understanding. Things will change, as they always do and the dynamic will change, so why not just live in this moment with this idealised connection. Why am I trying to analyse myself and talk myself out of it. Many a writer, artist, poet has had a muse. So why not just go with it.

All of us need to be in touch with a mysterious, tantalizing source of inspiration that teases our sense of wonder and goads us on to life’s next adventure.” 
― Rob Brezsny

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The Beginning

I felt the emptiness today

The universe acting against me in with all its might, to teach me

Is this the human experience? Is this all there is?

I am a living in a cage bound by a pre-existent hierarchy

That I have failed to transcend

My purpose and spirit bound by dogma and institution

Yet still ever searching for emancipatory spirituality

The connections which vibrate with me in unison

Yearning for the isochronic tone of the heart beating with mine

Drawing closer that which will challenge me to transcend beyond the limits of my mind inviting in the transformative energy of the self

In search of the truth

An event or moment that will engage all of my epistemic faculties and encourage the transpersonal experience

The soul crying out for answers, predisposed by a learned societal bondage.

The moments are beginning, because I have begun questioning, I have begun

How excited I am by the possibilities.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2013


Beautiful Minds

I wrote a whole blog I was going to post on how I struggle to find like-minded people, and by that I mean people who are passionately curious about everything. I read a lot, the internet making this all the more easy in obtaining the kind of reading material I look for. Yes I read prescribed university books for fun and am incredibly excited by dissertations and new subjects I haven’t been exposed to yet. My brain searches for information. If I hear or read something that I haven’t been exposed to or that I have limited knowledge on I am compelled to learn more.

 

My initial blog was about how I have been told that I’m intimidating and annoying in the fact that I am knowledgeable and it is seen as arrogance and people struggle to keep up with me, which I understand. I can turn any normal conversation into what must seem like an interrogation or challenge to some people. I have a tendency to need to understand why and how people think, so at times my passionate curiosity scares people off.

 

By the end of what I had written I had wandered off into the realms of psychoanalysis and spiritual transcendence and when I read it I realised what people are saying, or more precisely what they meant.

 

My brain is a nightmare for most people. It jumps from one thing to another faster than the speed of light, I ask a million questions about everything and I truly am quite confusing at times.

 

I had to ask why. Why am I so intent on trying to figure everything out? I don’t know the answer. I just know that I really enjoy having people around that know more than me. That give me a new outlook or who give me different points of view. Who can connect with me and challenge my insights and push me to grow.

 

Maybe at some point I will be able to find a place where I can be completely myself and I won’t get blank stares when I speak, I hope to one day be surrounded my minds as curious as mine, and who have more knowledge than I.

 

For now I have a few with whom I can have serious in depth conversations that can cover everything from science to philosophy, who challenge me to think critically and at the same time expand my mind into realms undiscovered.

 

I’m realising that where I am now, I am stifled, stunted and perhaps it is time to look to elsewhere for like minds. Or more precisely for greater minds. Beautiful minds.

 

 

Nothing so much causes me to tremble in delight

as the mind that forces me to grow in might.  


Right now

The Observing Vessel's Blog

Right now,
I feel like being sucked up
out into a great abyss of existence.
Where I’m stretched so thin that all of me permeates the universe on every level conceivable.
I want to get a feel for truth.
I want to feel it on the tips of my fingers across light years of nebula and supernova.
I want to close my eyes and fall asleep to the feelings and sounds of existence.
As if it were water
so I can slowly sink and drown in what is.

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Soundtrack Life

I was raised with rather eclectic music influence in my youth, with memories of the Beach Boys and Abba, then when I discovered my parents LP’s I discovered a shocking variety from Black Sabbath, The Bee Gees, The Beatles, Don Williams, to classical music. Then growing up doing dancing and singing and doing theatre, I was exposed to so much more. I love music, if I can sing along with it, dance to it or choreograph a dance to it, it’s good music. If it makes me cry or reminisce with a smile, it is good music. I often feel like my life would make far more sense if I had a constant running soundtrack, that way I would understand what was happening, perhaps predict what was going to happen, and maybe i would understand humans better if they just sang, instead of having to listen to the non-stop drivel that pours from their empty brains out of their mouths.

In watching series or movies, if a particular piece of music or a song really meets with me, my mind will literally cut out the sense of sight and I will just hear the music, this often means having to re-watch certain parts of the episode or movie.

I wake up with songs in my head. My subconscious sending me messages I presume. I fall asleep with my earphones on and all through the day, any chance that I get I have music playing, sometimes through earphones and sometimes just in my head.

There are songs I cannot listen to because the grief associated with it, just bursts out of me as though I hadn’t been through it before. And some music I can replay over and over again because it makes me feel so good.

The last two days I have woken up with surprising songs wandering around in my head. Both from childhood, the one being of the excessive country and western influence my father had on me, and yes I do enjoy good ol’ fashioned country. Songs that tell a story. The second being a band I discovered amongst my parent LP’s that I played endlessly, both songs I remember perfectly word for word and I think they’re the words I have been struggling to say, haven’t said….  

 


You are missing from me

Silently I watch the world and time pass by  

Slow motion and fast forward

Disjointed from reality

The world lacking in coherence and continuity

Ignorant to my anguish and agony

The deafening silence, the absence of your essence

The abyss of bedlam stretching before me

 

The tightening of my throat suffocating me

Yet the earth keeps turning

The people keep moving

The sun is still rising and setting

The ocean ebbing and flowing, yet

I am frozen and tormented by the last goodbye

 

Denial now routine protection from the encroaching lunacy

That threatens to paralyse and consume me

Constantly on the brink of being overpowered

 

Bound to your memory in isolation

You are missing from me.

 

Thoughts invading my awareness chaotically and without warning

In conflict with the instinct to oppress

Emotion threatening to vanquish my facade

Swords of reality swinging and crashing toward me

I am unarmed, and defenceless

The disguise threatening to slip from my body revealing my truth

Exposed and naked

Raw and vulnerable

You are missing from me

You are missing

From me.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2013


Unspoken Words


these are the words I failed to say

It flooded my veins like a drug untamed

that fleeting moment when you whispered my name

 

I cant stop the barrage of words in my head

the music wont stop playing the madness unsaid

 

its a razors edge of consort and muse as the fire melts all the layers of coldness I’ve used

to cover the lunacy I so need to hide, the truth of my being hidden inside

 

it flooded my brain like like a madman unleashed

a release from the shackles that silenced the beast

and all of the pain that I never felt has been whispered in silence and finally released

 

you helped me feel the meaning I seek

it was always inside me I just wouldn’t let it speak.

 

How did you take me away from my pain

how did you make my life sing once again

its like you gave the sun on a cold rainy day

 

these are the words I failed to say

© Christie Marie Kruger


I Choose to say Goodbye

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.
Wayne Dyer

 

Yesterday, being a rather emotional day, one where I didn’t have the control I normally have, where music says too much, and you grieve the people you miss and you cry for no reason and every reason, I was taught two lessons, by two very different people. Both have completely different roles in my life, one who probably knows everything about me, inside and out, who once saved me from myself and then proceeded to break me in a way I hadn’t quite broken before. The other someone who I have met, briefly and occasionally, and with whom I have a somewhat written relationship, a fellow lover of beautiful things and wondrous words, someone, far more intelligent than I, which I am loathe to admit by the way.

 

Two people in polar opposite ways changed my day. Both brought me to tears. The person who knows me best, again tossed me aside, and the other drew me in. One made me feel that my emotions were nothing more than a waste of time and my tears ran at his cold indifference, and the other, whose words, so beautiful, cut so close to home that my emotion spilled into tears of relief.

 

I’m a firm believer that everyone plays a part in teaching you, in helping you choose who you want to be. I made two choices last night, one to let go of the person who brings me to my knees in tears and grief more often than I would ever admit, my shower having seen far more than my naked body, but that of my naked grieving soul too many times to count. The other was to be grateful for a friend, although not known well to me socially but known to me in understanding and sharing.

 

The lessons.

 

  1. When people show you their true colours, don’t try to re-paint them.

  2. When people show you their souls, appreciate how much of a gift that is.

 

So this morning when I awoke, the pain had dulled to a mere sporadic throb and I looked to the day realising that I have to keep moving forward, I’ve done it before, I have always done it. I have overcome struggles that have required me to focus on positivity and courage and perseverance and more than that, hope. I have survived so far, I have not died from a broken heart or illnesses that could have taken me, I have not ever fallen down and failed to get back up. I am blessed. I am truly blessed. And if I am to be truly honest, the people who knelt down to help me up have been the ones least expected, as have the ones that have knocked me down and tried to keep me there.

 

So it is time. I may take the person I have loved and lost with me, but only in memory and in heart, there is no space in my life for him any more. In the words of probably one of the most incredible songs ever written:

 

Time to say goodbye paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te adesso si li vivro
Con te partiro su navi per mari che, io lo so
No, no, non esistono piu con te io li rivivro


influence by Viktor E Frankl

As a criminology and psychology hons major I find answers in many schools of thought combining them and respecting each on their own merits and to address specific cases and situations, but on a personal level I have found Viktor E Frankl’s existentialism to have had a profound effect on me. Here is a quote that I have always been particularly connected with:

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”


― 
Viktor E. FranklMan’s Search for Meaning


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