So it appears my attempt at NaNoBloPoMo is an epic fail, nonetheless the circumstances that forced me to take this break were reasonable and well needed. It’s been a tough week, between an exam of death, and having to deal with the drama of human beings. (and on that note I will make up for the missed blogs, I NEVER give up on something I have started!!!)
I’m a strong person, and in equal measure I have a soul and heart softer that two ply extra soft toilet paper. I do not believe in finding people’s weaknesses and using those to my advantage. i do not believe in dealing with an interpersonal conflict by involving as many people as possible. I also do not believe that one should react to such a situation without taking a break to rationally process all that has occurred.
Despite this I am extremely and deeply hurt at the moment. I am exhausted from trying to be the bigger person, I am exhausted because my kindness and my very natural humanness has been used to drive a giant sword through the things I worked so damn hard for.
I am in this moment engulfed with pain and sadness. I understand that people do not know my story, but i have overcome a lot to be where and who I am. I have a brain that sometimes betrays me and I have had to learn to live a very honest direct, controlled lifestyle to work with that, and I do it very well. I have and incurable illness/disorder which means that everyday my life is a giant challenge. But I do well, I do very well. I work hard and I focus and I embrace all the goodness i can find around me. So why then, has someones, ugliness, fear, and spite cut me so deeply. I firmly believe that we choose to let people hurt us, we can brush it aside. Perhaps only to a certain extent though. this person without realizing the consequences of her action, has inexplicably created turmoil, it has created a vast obstacle to my future and has forced me to seek to withdraw in order to protect myself.
I know I should listen tot hose close to me who feel the weeks drama has stemmed from someone perhaps feeling threatened by me, intimidated by me, From my side there will be no retaliation. I feel it is best for me to serve myself, but being kind, understanding, and creating an environment where perhaps in future instead of a conflict or problem resulting in too many cooks spoiling the broth and perhaps I can help this person see that she and anyone else can throw sticks, stones, names, lies; I will stand still and I will show love, understanding and kindness. Maybe one day they will hear my story and I will hear theirs and there will be better understanding.