I’ve been struggling to write the last few days. I have dealt with writer’s block before and I normally gain inspiration from music, poetry, my own emotions, other people’s emotions. But this time I’m really in a bind. I do know why though and it’s odd that even knowing why isn’t helping.
I have had a situation at work the last week or so, which reached its high point on Monday, where I have had to be in control, rational, logical and completely unemotional and it seems to have seeped over into my personal life. Saw my ex, and I felt nothing in fact I noted his behaviour (as I am trained to do, but which I am really bad at if I’m emotionally connected with someone), which is good in one way, but strange in another, that from still crying myself to sleep, I’m now almost void of emotion.
As a young adult, I realised (although a highly emotional human being), that in some instances under severe stress I had an ability to almost transcend the emotion and become extremely calm and as the years have passed, I feel I have developed this ability to deal with almost any conflict that is work related, the whole “man’s world syndrome” but personal issues are still very emotionally driven. It is alarming to me though, that having to compartmentalise at work so radically is now seeping into my personal life. I want to feel, but right now, my brain and body seem to have conspired against my heart and I’m as cold as ice.
Thus, the struggle to write. My words are empty, shallow, and I can’t quite reach in far enough to drag anything out. Today someone asked me if I was happy and I nodded and said yes, but I honestly can’t say that how am feeling is happy, nor sad. The only words I have for myself at the moment are apathetic and indifferent.
So I thought maybe tonight I would go home and watch the Notebook, which brings me to tears every time I watch it, just to break this spell I seem to have cast over myself. Perhaps, tomorrow I will be myself again. I hope so. I quite enjoy feeling….. it reminds me that I am alive, not just existing.