As cold as ice

I’ve been struggling to write the last few days. I have dealt with writer’s block before and I normally gain inspiration from music, poetry, my own emotions, other people’s emotions. But this time I’m really in a bind. I do know why though and it’s odd that even knowing why isn’t helping.

I have had a situation at work the last week or so, which reached its high point on Monday, where I have had to be in control, rational, logical and completely unemotional and it seems to have seeped over into my personal life. Saw my ex, and I felt nothing in fact I noted his behaviour (as I am trained to do, but which I am really bad at if I’m emotionally connected with someone), which is good in one way, but strange in another, that from still crying myself to sleep, I’m now almost void of emotion.

As a young adult, I realised (although a highly emotional human being), that in some instances under severe stress I had an ability to almost transcend the emotion and become extremely calm and as the years have passed, I feel I have developed this ability to deal with almost any conflict that is work related, the whole “man’s world syndrome” but personal issues are still very emotionally driven. It is alarming to me though, that having to compartmentalise at work so radically is now seeping into my personal life.  I want to feel, but right now, my brain and body seem to have conspired against my heart and I’m as cold as ice.

Thus, the struggle to write. My words are empty, shallow, and I can’t quite reach in far enough to drag anything out. Today someone asked me if I was happy and I nodded and said yes, but I honestly can’t say that how am feeling is happy, nor sad. The only words I have for myself at the moment are apathetic and indifferent.

So I thought maybe tonight I would go home and watch the Notebook, which brings me to tears every time I watch it,  just to break this spell I seem to have cast over myself. Perhaps, tomorrow I will be myself again. I hope so. I quite enjoy feeling….. it reminds me that I am alive, not just existing.

Advertisements

About Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

Orenda (huron)The power of human will to change the world. Set up as an opposing force to fate or destiny. If powerful forces beyond your control are trying to force a particular outcomes, orenda is a kind of vocalised summoning of personal strength to change this. A giant child, trying to find my purpose, without losing sight of all things beautiful. View all posts by Christie Marie Ginja Kruger

One response to “As cold as ice

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Rebelle Life

This WordPress.com site is the cat’s pajamas

MIRACLES EACH DAY

Devotionals on A COURSE IN MIRACLES and A COURSE OF LOVE. . .with Celia Hales

Awakened

These are my thoughts, feelings and words. Welcome to my mind.

Of Love and Longing

...inspired poetry from rambling thoughts...

existence!

Le site de Jean-Paul Galibert

Da Write Chick

To Enlighten, Educate, Entertain, and Evoke Thought

Ramblings of a Mad Kat

To help the voices escape.

Musings of a Wayward Gypsy

My year of living poetically.

Abby Has Issues

I have issues. So do you.

REAL LIFE IN A BLOG

COURAGE GRATITUDE DETERMINATION

Hold Hands With Me

Musings of an African Hippie

The Observing Vessel's Blog

Observations, thoughts and general incoherant ramblings of a nutter.

%d bloggers like this: