REALITY

Enter the monster that consumes my bliss;

Black shadows roll in and drown my happiness;

With practiced perfection I smile to eyes

That cannot see deeper than their own cries.

 

Enter the truth, wielding its sword;

Slicing denial, the emotions do pour

Into a pillow, the safest of cages

One day I will write those tears onto pages.

 

My movie of wishes is fading from mind;

What future is this that love cannot find?

The tremor, the lump that my throat tightens around

The feelings I wish I had never found.

 

I swallow the scream and block out the cold

This heart of mine is a story untold.

I paint over the pain with a bright sunny streak;

This anguish I feel can never speak.

 

I smile for the cameras, the eyes that seek weak

And listen intently while the whole world speaks

Of their hurt and their pain and unfairness of life

While I am cut deeply by life’s cruel knife.

 

I stand tall, my decision solid,

That I would love without requirement

This is my choice to set love free

This pain is a decision that I made for me.

 

This moment is my self-made reality.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014

Gifts without ribbons

You will haunt me all my days

Your essence etched in to my soul

As I bid you farewell

I absorb the pain of letting you go into the hope of freedom I have for you

I will love you all the days of my life and honour that which you have taught me.

I will carry with me all the love you have shown me and the world you have opened my eyes to

I will use the lessons you have gifted me to move forward in my life knowing that love does not own or possess or tie down, but encourages, nurtures and respects

That life is a sequence of miracles, opportunities and adventures;

To be curious and childlike, to be fearless and gentle.

To be unique and steadfast in honouring my dreams and who I am. 

You have taught me to love freely, to dream big, to laugh loudly, to be passionately curious and to never give up on what I want no matter who says it’s impossible, no matter who says it isn’t “normal”.

You have been my lover, my friend, my challenger, my hero, my teacher.

Now it’s time for you to fly and become all you are destined to be.

And one day everyone else will understand that letting you go was the greatest gift of love I felt could give you.

 

© Christie Marie Kruger 2014

Learning

Gosh it’s been a rough week, but I have learned a lot. I learned that I will defend those I love come hell or high water, that I have a real loathing for bullies and close minded people. I have faced a heartbreaking situation where I have seen a family falling apart at the seams and been saddened deeply, to my innermost core by how people can be manipulated in such a way they fail to see what they are losing.

I have realised what true love is, the love I have for my family and my deep belief that they always come first, especially siblings. These are the people that have known you your whole life and moving into the future they will be in your life longer than anyone else, they will know you better than anyone else, they know everything that has formed you, good and bad. Siblings are your constant. My brother lives far away, and I don’t get to see him often and I miss him terribly. I also know that I would never allow anyone to come between us, EVER.  

To watch another pair of siblings drift apart, this giant rift forming between them in such a way I am not sure the wounds will ever properly heal has had me heartbroken today.

And I am angry. I am angry that close mindedness and the inability of some people to even consider another point of view has resulted in fear and anger and heartbreak and anxiety.

I am angry that some people think there is only one right way to live life, theirs. That they have all the answers, that they think they can “fix” someone by breaking them down, by power playing people, by manipulating and creating situation so unbearable that they inflict wounds on good people.

 I learned that I cannot be bullied. That I will raise my voice and scream and point fingers and say whatever the hell I need to say to defend and protect a person’s uniqueness, individuality and their good nature. I am the person that will stand and face the bully, I will stand and face self righteous indignation and I will point it out again and again and I don’t care that they get upset, they should be upset and I don’t care that those wearing rose-coloured glasses cannot see the truth, because the truth will always be there and it will always rear its ugly head. Time has a way of stripping away all the crap that covers the real ugly damn truth.

I learned that I love someone so deeply I would fight to the death for them. That I will fight for them to be who they are without the judgement of the ignorant and self righteous and the ego filled bullies.  And I don’t care if the truth upsets the bully, and I don’t care how the bully manipulates the circumstances of the situation to make themselves the hero, because that facade with crumble at the persistence of truth at the strength of authentic love. 

But my heart breaks for the loss that someone fails to see and how in time, that loss will be felt as grief and regret.