Tag Archives: chaos

You don’t know

In the midst of chaos and disorder, I find a quiet place;

That place is you.

You don’t know that and you probably never will.

Sometimes on a day where I feel I am swimming aimlessly in an ocean of confusion;

You are a lighthouse.

When I begin to fail in humility and start climbing on to my high horse of self-absorption and self-importance;

You remind me of who I really am and who I strive to be.

You don’t know that and you probably never will.

There are days when  I am filled with remorse and anguish and I spend all my time looking backward at  bygones that can’t be changed, that I don’t understand, filled with “what-if” and “why”, when I distort the memories and fail to realistically see the truth that I somehow want to transform into a lost perfection;

You call me to the present, to the moment and remind me I am not alone.

In times where I feel my frustration rising and the negativity around me and within  me threatens to swallow me whole and spit me out as a angry nasty troll, you fill me with quiet laughter, and hidden smiles and you compel me to catch sight of the magnificence  and beauty that can be found around me;

You don’t know that and you probably never will.

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Breathe

Breathe

Can you feel it?

Breathe

Life

Your life

Your soul

In that breath

See it in your mind’s eye

The “I”,

The “me”

It’s your life

The peace

The chaos

The disorder

The love

The anger

The tears

The laughter

Breathe

Till that last breath you take

Your life, your soul

Just breathe

© Christie Marie Kruger


Where the hell have I been – chaos disorder – a rant of sorts

 

My life isn’t making sense anymore,

I’m caught in a whirlwind of chaos, not all bad, but chaos nonetheless.

Everything was planned and organised and neat and busy and then I realised the busy was almost over and I could rest, the universe she saw this and decided resting would not do and she threw a curveball…..  correction, curveballs…….. more precisely a bunch of damn grenades.

I’m dodging and diving and running and fighting and for now I’m okay but I see a world of padded rooms and huggy jackets if it goes on any longer. For example, this weekend is the first weekend after my exams and I planned to stay in my pj’s, eat copious amounts of ice cream and watch series, I figured Wednesday and Thursday night would be a good warm up …. get home do nothing… try this relaxing thing…. well, no. I had to get involved in finding a lost dogs owners, I landed up with a four week old blind kitten and had to find it a home, I had to do 3-4 hour feeds with said new kitten through the night. I’m a little tired today. Keep in mind that last weekend I adopted two of my own kittens, one still being too young (rescue cats), so there is special food for each of the cats I have at the moment. Old lady Tish 16 years (special senior anti furball food), Shadow, 3 months old – the easiest he will eat anything, Harry, 5 weeks still on chicken liver and rice diet, with special vet food for weaning kittens, blind baby, milking kit.  Tonight I have to get blind kitty to his new home, I have to wrap Santa shoeboxes for the children’s home, I have to pick up the donations for an animal welfare collection and somewhere in between all that I need to eat shower, spend playtime with kittens and make sure my Tishcat gets some cuddles.

Work has been one urgent thing after another, and I’m trying to be nicer at work, which is a huge strain on my non-filtered mouth and even more so on my “OMG is everyone stupid?” attitude.

To add to that I have a housemate who keeps insisting I need to sit and watch tv with him, preferably a movie…. dear thor where the hell am I supposed find 2 hours to sit and watch a movie, plus he is a comedy guy, I don’t really do comedy unless it’s British… I don’t have a sense of slapstick humour, I find wit humorous.  He is, however, being annoyingly persistent which will end badly. In psychological terms I have traits of OCPD and perhaps to be honest, Schizoid personality traits (if you aren’t a psychology boff, look that up, it’s pretty interesting); I just don’t like people; or social interaction with them, or emotional connection, look I just don’t like people in general.

So the weekend would be good right, I can rest and relax, oh no no no no, I go and get involved in a protest, a goods delivery to a children’s home, a present drop off for a charity party…. please all note, I drive a scooter, not a car, so these will be more than one trip….

It’s been a rough little while ……………… and I know the universe is trying to tell me something or teach me something, but hell I think she is speaking Sanskrit, because I’m just not understanding.

I really want to run into the middle of the main road outside, hold my hands up to the heavens and scream “WTF do you want from me”, but knowing me I will probably trip and face plant in front of everybody…..


I was smarter in 2006

Answers In the most silent of silences, in the most peaceful peace. This is where our souls grow. Some choose to live in self created chaos, self manipulating their own minds to believe that turbulence brings growth and learning. Only in the silence; in our most serene moments do we truly grow, for it is only then we are as one with souls and purpose. Some are afraid that their lives are meaningless or that they are not moving forward if there days are not filled with ecstasy and angst. Only in calm contentment do we find ourselves. In angst and ecstasy we are merely exaggerated and invented masks of ourselves and in this chaos we lose who we truly are. It is true that our hours of angst and ecstasy may be that catalyst which creates the awareness of the need to grow, but it is necessary to sit in silence to reflect and truly ground ourselves, this is not in moments but in time. If we jump continuously between angst and ecstasy, angst to angst, ecstasy to ecstasy, if we use others to fill voids, if we use the noise of the world we live in to block our hurt and grief, we merely create an endless streaming torrent of questions for which we will never find time to unearth answers. © Christie Marie Kruger


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