Tag Archives: emotion

My friend Rosie

My friend Rosie died.

People keep talking to me about work and their problems and life and I keep looking at them thinking “my friend Rosie died, why aren’t you sad?”

She was amazing. Strong. Beautiful. Funny. Ridiculously intelligent. She had a heart that was too big for one person, it overflowed from her onto others.
She was wise. When I was falling apart, torn at the seams, she gave me words that made me strong and that played over and over in my head. I thought “I hope I am as wise as you one day.”
She was a warrior princess. Tougher than anyone I have ever known. Courageous seems too simple a word for her.
She had eyes that looked into the deepest part of you, and you could try and hide what was really going on inside, but she would reach in, pull the truth out and hug it.
Her laugh was like listening to a playground of children, it filled you with joy and hope and rainbows.

The whole world should be sad. Everyone should be in mourning. Flags should be flying at half mast.

We lost a superwoman. It is a space that will never be filled.

She is my hero forever more.

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the love

Once I fell in love madly. Love at first sight. We were flawed, with open wounds. We went our separate ways, searching for ourselves.

Once I fell in love slowly and steadily in a friendship that blossomed and grew. Two people finding out how to love ourselves and somehow in between our love entwined and created a bond.

I did not fall in love with two different people. I fell in love with one person twice.

I fell in love with crazy singing in the car, shared pizzas, running naked through waterfalls, sliding in mud. I fell in love with a person who wasn’t afraid of his dreams no matter how daunting, a person who challenges my insecurities, forces me to grow by leaping despite fear. I fell in love with the way he holds my hand, and laughs at me and with me. I fell in love with the way he doesn’t laugh at me falling over things that aren’t there, nor does he run to rescue me from my clumsiness, but rather how he just holds out his hand to help me up.

I fell in love with a mind speeding faster than mine, with a multitude of open google tabs, literally and figuratively. I fell in love with the way he says “I understand” and means it. I love the way he hugs me so hard I cannot breathe, the way he pulls me close when I lest expect it. The way he runs his fingers up my spine when he is standing close.

I fell in love with the quiet moments where nothing was said, but the silence didn’t matter. I fell in love with the way he gently brushes my hair from my face as I am falling asleep and the way he  calls me beautiful first thing in the morning and tells me my hair is “full bodied” when it in fact looks like a mini chewbacca is attached to my head.

I love talking about everything and nothing. I love the small things and the moments that are just ours. I love the way he forgives and tries to understand everyone rather than judge them.  

I am in love with my best friend.

 


As cold as ice

I’ve been struggling to write the last few days. I have dealt with writer’s block before and I normally gain inspiration from music, poetry, my own emotions, other people’s emotions. But this time I’m really in a bind. I do know why though and it’s odd that even knowing why isn’t helping.

I have had a situation at work the last week or so, which reached its high point on Monday, where I have had to be in control, rational, logical and completely unemotional and it seems to have seeped over into my personal life. Saw my ex, and I felt nothing in fact I noted his behaviour (as I am trained to do, but which I am really bad at if I’m emotionally connected with someone), which is good in one way, but strange in another, that from still crying myself to sleep, I’m now almost void of emotion.

As a young adult, I realised (although a highly emotional human being), that in some instances under severe stress I had an ability to almost transcend the emotion and become extremely calm and as the years have passed, I feel I have developed this ability to deal with almost any conflict that is work related, the whole “man’s world syndrome” but personal issues are still very emotionally driven. It is alarming to me though, that having to compartmentalise at work so radically is now seeping into my personal life.  I want to feel, but right now, my brain and body seem to have conspired against my heart and I’m as cold as ice.

Thus, the struggle to write. My words are empty, shallow, and I can’t quite reach in far enough to drag anything out. Today someone asked me if I was happy and I nodded and said yes, but I honestly can’t say that how am feeling is happy, nor sad. The only words I have for myself at the moment are apathetic and indifferent.

So I thought maybe tonight I would go home and watch the Notebook, which brings me to tears every time I watch it,  just to break this spell I seem to have cast over myself. Perhaps, tomorrow I will be myself again. I hope so. I quite enjoy feeling….. it reminds me that I am alive, not just existing.


An ode to you, me, and everyone else

Set them free

those emotions that you bottle up inside distorting your reality

Set them free

those past dreams in your idealistic time machine mind

Set them free

all those thoughts that drown your soul, that steal your hope, that smother your goodness

all those words you say to yourself that break you down from the inside out

all those doubts that consume you and restrain you from your life

set them free

Set yourself free

from the boundaries of society

Set yourself free

from the pain of anger and mistrust

Set yourself free

from the emotions that hold you back, the negativity the engulfs you, the frustration that chains you to a set of expectations that you have been taught you’re supposed to live up to, the path you’re expected to take, the checklist the majority have given you to tick, those little boxes you’re supposed to fit

Set yourself free from the fear

the fear that blinds you,

the fear that causes conflict between heart and head, the fear that dulls your passion, that hides your purpose, that steals your dreams, inspirations, shadows your truth and aspirations, that swallows the sense of self you instinctively have

See yourself

that part of you that you try and hide

See yourself

that part of you that is screaming to be let out

See yourself

that part of you which you think no one understands

and the beauty of you will be seen, perhaps not by everyone but to those who know to look, the people that see your soul in your eyes, read the true essence in your words, feel the magic in your presence, who know you without you saying a word, those who see your actions and the love that you radiate, who sense your deepest being in it’s uniqueness and true magnificence. Embrace those emotions which enhance your empathy and understanding,that reveal you honesty and purity.

Believe me when I say you are not invisible. You are seen. You are understood, you are significant.

Set yourself free.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2013

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© Christie Marie Kruger 2009


Be a metaphor today. “turn the page”

Be a metaphor

I am a book of short stories;

Tragic, comic, dramatic, horrific, thrilling sometimes romantic.

One story follows the next completely unrelated and yet connected by a thread of human commonality.

One story linked to the next by expression of a range of human emotions perhaps clearly understood and at times coloured and blurred by perception. Each story has a beginning, a middle and an end, but turning the page can mean a brand new adventure.

Sometimes the stories are inevitably predictable and at other times capricious and shocking.

Each story brings new characters, new experiences new emotions and new travels of the mind.

I am a book of short stories. Some of my stories are yours, ours, theirs, or everyone’s and sometimes uniquely interpreted by the reader or unambiguously me.. Some stories will enthral you others horrify you, others bring you to tears or laugh until your cheeks and sides hurts.

I am a book of short stories.  © Christie Marie Kruger


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