She no longer sobbed uncontrollably. She had no energy for passionate tears, instead, at times, her tears would escape the padlocked box where emotions are kept and they would run down her face catching her by surprise.
It was that awkward stage of grief where hope still lingers. A place she knew she may never return from.
A shadow hiding in half light, waiting for the darkness to descend and yet hoping the sun would fail to sleep, just this one time.
Her head and heart in violent battle tearing each other apart like rabid dogs and all she could do was stand still. Helpless but not hopeless, alone.
Surrounded by someone else’s demons coaxing hers to come out and play.
So she stood not sure of up and down and left and right and in and out and everything kept spinning in silence around and she wished there was a soundtrack so she could figure out what was coming next.
At times the darkness began to drown her but a crack of light would filter through just enough to tease her into believing.
But the corner where she could be seen grew smaller, she watched herself being swallowed by the dark. This silent movie of the shadow girl.
Trapped in limbo between the night and the light fighting demons that were not her own.
My friend Rosie died.
People keep talking to me about work and their problems and life and I keep looking at them thinking “my friend Rosie died, why aren’t you sad?”
She was amazing. Strong. Beautiful. Funny. Ridiculously intelligent. She had a heart that was too big for one person, it overflowed from her onto others.
She was wise. When I was falling apart, torn at the seams, she gave me words that made me strong and that played over and over in my head. I thought “I hope I am as wise as you one day.”
She was a warrior princess. Tougher than anyone I have ever known. Courageous seems too simple a word for her.
She had eyes that looked into the deepest part of you, and you could try and hide what was really going on inside, but she would reach in, pull the truth out and hug it.
Her laugh was like listening to a playground of children, it filled you with joy and hope and rainbows.
The whole world should be sad. Everyone should be in mourning. Flags should be flying at half mast.
We lost a superwoman. It is a space that will never be filled.
She is my hero forever more.
I feel like there is a part of me grieving
But I don’t know why
I feel like I have lost something
Maybe something I never had
I feel like there is a void that has grown inside me,
Yes that is it, a void has grown inside me, so maybe I haven’t lost something
Maybe I have found something I can never have
That knowledge growing inside me, a void…..
© Christie Marie Kruger
As I pulled away and drifted, across my vision sea I felt the change in you; the same was not for me. I feel pain in joy such joy in pain; the human spirit sustains with the greater power to free others and bind yourself its a choice of selfless knowing of a never ending hollow that will be filled with naught I feel pain in your joy; joy in my pain; for freedom truly is a gift an ultimate sacrifice; for never are the rewards equal but one will suffer for another and so shall the world turn the balance is sustained by such and perhaps in time equality in freedom shall be gained by truth in translucent acceptance and open mindedness. © Christie Marie Kruger