Tag Archives: life

live beautifully, hideously, stupidly and in the most epic manner

So in the last few months I have lost two very young friends to cancer.

I have had to learn some things in this process of loss. There had to be a reason, or an outcome from this grief. Of course the lessons could be a multitude of things but in the face of all this death I have learned something about myself.

“Terminal Cancer” means the end is inevitable. There is no cure.

Apparently my brain although accepting this truth, seemed to deceive itself into thinking this means later rather than sooner. So in essence I believed the disease was incurable but that didn’t mean they would die now…. It couldn’t happen now. I realised this in trying to figure out how I totally reeled from the news that they had passed. It was a shock. And I thought to myself that it shouldn’t have been a shock, I should have been prepared. Then came the guilt. oh my god, if only I had known how little time we had left (which I did) I would’ve visited/messaged/called more.

Denial. Ahhhhh. I didn’t want to believe my two very young friends would die before me. I convinced myself we had time. Incurable but without imminent death. The fact that I went through the death of one friend only to slip into the denial and go through the death of the second under the same veil of shock and in defiance of the true meaning of terminal, I have to ask why. Was I protecting myself? If someone else should tell me they have a terminal illness, will I face that honestly and admit what it really means or is my need to protect myself by sheer denial stronger than the lesson I have learned? Probably. I didn’t want to expect my friends to die. In all honesty I really didn’t want to watch them die. But they are gone. The one thing I can say is that I didn’t treat my friends like they were dying. I think they appreciated that. I hope.

I am angry because they won’t get to do the things they should’ve still done like travel, write a book, film a movie, perhaps marry, perhaps have kids, build a home. I realise I have these idealistic expectations of what they should have been able to do with their lives. My reaction after AJ died was to come up with a bucket list a mile long.

Then out of the blue reality set in. I may have wished wonderful things for my friends but realistically that life may have included a divorce, kids in rehab, retrenchment, critics, failure to reach goals, car accidents, horrid co-workers, horrible neighbours, debt and deaths of friends and family.

Ok. Stop. So am I glad they don’t have to go through the negative? Not really. I think they should’ve had all the up and downs that life has to bring. That is living. So the one lesson I am taking away from this, that may actually hold, is that I get to still have ups and downs and blessing and disasters, for which I shall be grateful. My bucket list is a great way to start doing things I want to do, but in between I know there will be heartache, and disappointment and despair. I intend living so damn hard. I shall love deeply knowing that I may hurt badly. I will set out on crazy adventures that may result in setbacks, injury, and disappointment. I will climb mountains knowing that I can fall, and if I do fall, so be it. Rosie and AJ won’t get to fall down a mountain.

I shall create a bunch of memories, good, bad, ugly and epic. I wanted my friends to have more life. All of it. With all its blessing and curses. I cannot let them down again. So excuse me while I make crazy decisions, huge mistakes, irresponsible choices. So I won’t have a fancy house, and a fancy car thank you very much…… an you will all have to excuse me while I walk to work greeting beggars and the mentally ill along with the rich and powerful. Excuse me while I choose to backpack some exotic 3rd world island with nothing but a prayer and a camera instead of buying a new wardrobe, excuse me while I love someone so deeply that it seems a tad unhealthy. Excuse me while I choose a calling rather than a professional career.

…… I’m going to live. However that comes.
Rosie, AJ …… I am going to live beautifully, hideously, stupidly and in the most epic manner. Remembering you always.


the love

Once I fell in love madly. Love at first sight. We were flawed, with open wounds. We went our separate ways, searching for ourselves.

Once I fell in love slowly and steadily in a friendship that blossomed and grew. Two people finding out how to love ourselves and somehow in between our love entwined and created a bond.

I did not fall in love with two different people. I fell in love with one person twice.

I fell in love with crazy singing in the car, shared pizzas, running naked through waterfalls, sliding in mud. I fell in love with a person who wasn’t afraid of his dreams no matter how daunting, a person who challenges my insecurities, forces me to grow by leaping despite fear. I fell in love with the way he holds my hand, and laughs at me and with me. I fell in love with the way he doesn’t laugh at me falling over things that aren’t there, nor does he run to rescue me from my clumsiness, but rather how he just holds out his hand to help me up.

I fell in love with a mind speeding faster than mine, with a multitude of open google tabs, literally and figuratively. I fell in love with the way he says “I understand” and means it. I love the way he hugs me so hard I cannot breathe, the way he pulls me close when I lest expect it. The way he runs his fingers up my spine when he is standing close.

I fell in love with the quiet moments where nothing was said, but the silence didn’t matter. I fell in love with the way he gently brushes my hair from my face as I am falling asleep and the way he  calls me beautiful first thing in the morning and tells me my hair is “full bodied” when it in fact looks like a mini chewbacca is attached to my head.

I love talking about everything and nothing. I love the small things and the moments that are just ours. I love the way he forgives and tries to understand everyone rather than judge them.  

I am in love with my best friend.

 


A Walk in the Rain

I walked to work in the rain this morning.

It was raining sideways, raining at me not on me, and like life every time I turned a corner it came at me from a different angle, I didn’t mind, I kept walking.

I jumped in a puddle, I jumped in two, there are no adults around, but me, no one to tell me I’ll get sick if I play in the rain, I jumped in all the puddles.

I had my earphones on, a soundtrack to the mini movie I felt I was in. The music was on shuffle, a rocker, a rapper and the song of a violin.

I need mini wipers for my spectacles, the world became blurry in the downpour, light refracted differently and the traffic light became a Christmas tree.

Its Christmas time, it always rains on Christmas day, this year, there will be no adults around, except me. I’m going to watch all the Christmas shows and eat a Christmas lunch from the deli around the corner.

I walked to work in the rain this morning.  Jumping in puddles and blinking away the raindrops that stuck to my eyelashes as I stared at a world transformed by water, glass and light, I could have wiped the water off of my spectacles, but I rather liked what I saw. © Christie Marie Kruger 2013

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Where the hell have I been – chaos disorder – a rant of sorts

 

My life isn’t making sense anymore,

I’m caught in a whirlwind of chaos, not all bad, but chaos nonetheless.

Everything was planned and organised and neat and busy and then I realised the busy was almost over and I could rest, the universe she saw this and decided resting would not do and she threw a curveball…..  correction, curveballs…….. more precisely a bunch of damn grenades.

I’m dodging and diving and running and fighting and for now I’m okay but I see a world of padded rooms and huggy jackets if it goes on any longer. For example, this weekend is the first weekend after my exams and I planned to stay in my pj’s, eat copious amounts of ice cream and watch series, I figured Wednesday and Thursday night would be a good warm up …. get home do nothing… try this relaxing thing…. well, no. I had to get involved in finding a lost dogs owners, I landed up with a four week old blind kitten and had to find it a home, I had to do 3-4 hour feeds with said new kitten through the night. I’m a little tired today. Keep in mind that last weekend I adopted two of my own kittens, one still being too young (rescue cats), so there is special food for each of the cats I have at the moment. Old lady Tish 16 years (special senior anti furball food), Shadow, 3 months old – the easiest he will eat anything, Harry, 5 weeks still on chicken liver and rice diet, with special vet food for weaning kittens, blind baby, milking kit.  Tonight I have to get blind kitty to his new home, I have to wrap Santa shoeboxes for the children’s home, I have to pick up the donations for an animal welfare collection and somewhere in between all that I need to eat shower, spend playtime with kittens and make sure my Tishcat gets some cuddles.

Work has been one urgent thing after another, and I’m trying to be nicer at work, which is a huge strain on my non-filtered mouth and even more so on my “OMG is everyone stupid?” attitude.

To add to that I have a housemate who keeps insisting I need to sit and watch tv with him, preferably a movie…. dear thor where the hell am I supposed find 2 hours to sit and watch a movie, plus he is a comedy guy, I don’t really do comedy unless it’s British… I don’t have a sense of slapstick humour, I find wit humorous.  He is, however, being annoyingly persistent which will end badly. In psychological terms I have traits of OCPD and perhaps to be honest, Schizoid personality traits (if you aren’t a psychology boff, look that up, it’s pretty interesting); I just don’t like people; or social interaction with them, or emotional connection, look I just don’t like people in general.

So the weekend would be good right, I can rest and relax, oh no no no no, I go and get involved in a protest, a goods delivery to a children’s home, a present drop off for a charity party…. please all note, I drive a scooter, not a car, so these will be more than one trip….

It’s been a rough little while ……………… and I know the universe is trying to tell me something or teach me something, but hell I think she is speaking Sanskrit, because I’m just not understanding.

I really want to run into the middle of the main road outside, hold my hands up to the heavens and scream “WTF do you want from me”, but knowing me I will probably trip and face plant in front of everybody…..


Wondering and Wandering

In this moment

it has changed

my life

my journey

a path ne’er known to me

has shown itself

I cannot see but for a few steps ahead

but I know it is leading me

to the unknown

to the destination not planned

I am stumbling still keeping one eye on the path I have designed

wondering and wandering in a circle

confused by the fear of change

stomach knotted afraid of choice

wrong, right

sacrifice

 

questioning the purpose of life’s strange intervention

test or quest? I am unarmed and without compass

fate, fear, future, failure

faith

the winds of change are whispering

the unknown brambled path shown

breathe

let go

embrace

© Christie Marie Kruger

Image© Christie Marie Kruger


I am strong

You think that you can break me;

others thought they could

you’re one of many cowards

who would love to have my life.

I have been broken in ways you can never understand

yet here I am, here I speak here I stand

So try as you might,

I see your fear,

You cannot break my spirit

with your infantile lies. © Christie Marie Kruger


Reflection 2013

In my reflection I see a million chances missed

a hundred frogs kissed

and in my eyes a thousand tales I will never tell.

A whirlpool of ideas my reflected mind dances unable to express.

Like moths around a flame,

a million and one directions, getting nowhere and finally being burned.

In my eyes reflected I see more pain and more joy than I remember wanting,

like emeralds they shine, childish and ancient memories,

thoughts and dreams in a split second of soul life. © Christie Marie Kruger


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