Tag Archives: loss

My friend Rosie

My friend Rosie died.

People keep talking to me about work and their problems and life and I keep looking at them thinking “my friend Rosie died, why aren’t you sad?”

She was amazing. Strong. Beautiful. Funny. Ridiculously intelligent. She had a heart that was too big for one person, it overflowed from her onto others.
She was wise. When I was falling apart, torn at the seams, she gave me words that made me strong and that played over and over in my head. I thought “I hope I am as wise as you one day.”
She was a warrior princess. Tougher than anyone I have ever known. Courageous seems too simple a word for her.
She had eyes that looked into the deepest part of you, and you could try and hide what was really going on inside, but she would reach in, pull the truth out and hug it.
Her laugh was like listening to a playground of children, it filled you with joy and hope and rainbows.

The whole world should be sad. Everyone should be in mourning. Flags should be flying at half mast.

We lost a superwoman. It is a space that will never be filled.

She is my hero forever more.

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Learning

Gosh it’s been a rough week, but I have learned a lot. I learned that I will defend those I love come hell or high water, that I have a real loathing for bullies and close minded people. I have faced a heartbreaking situation where I have seen a family falling apart at the seams and been saddened deeply, to my innermost core by how people can be manipulated in such a way they fail to see what they are losing.

I have realised what true love is, the love I have for my family and my deep belief that they always come first, especially siblings. These are the people that have known you your whole life and moving into the future they will be in your life longer than anyone else, they will know you better than anyone else, they know everything that has formed you, good and bad. Siblings are your constant. My brother lives far away, and I don’t get to see him often and I miss him terribly. I also know that I would never allow anyone to come between us, EVER.  

To watch another pair of siblings drift apart, this giant rift forming between them in such a way I am not sure the wounds will ever properly heal has had me heartbroken today.

And I am angry. I am angry that close mindedness and the inability of some people to even consider another point of view has resulted in fear and anger and heartbreak and anxiety.

I am angry that some people think there is only one right way to live life, theirs. That they have all the answers, that they think they can “fix” someone by breaking them down, by power playing people, by manipulating and creating situation so unbearable that they inflict wounds on good people.

 I learned that I cannot be bullied. That I will raise my voice and scream and point fingers and say whatever the hell I need to say to defend and protect a person’s uniqueness, individuality and their good nature. I am the person that will stand and face the bully, I will stand and face self righteous indignation and I will point it out again and again and I don’t care that they get upset, they should be upset and I don’t care that those wearing rose-coloured glasses cannot see the truth, because the truth will always be there and it will always rear its ugly head. Time has a way of stripping away all the crap that covers the real ugly damn truth.

I learned that I love someone so deeply I would fight to the death for them. That I will fight for them to be who they are without the judgement of the ignorant and self righteous and the ego filled bullies.  And I don’t care if the truth upsets the bully, and I don’t care how the bully manipulates the circumstances of the situation to make themselves the hero, because that facade with crumble at the persistence of truth at the strength of authentic love. 

But my heart breaks for the loss that someone fails to see and how in time, that loss will be felt as grief and regret.


Kneel and weep

Kneel

kneel, not in prayer, but in grief,

in humility

in gratitude

kneel

kneel and be closer to the earth from whence you’ve come

kneel and weep

weep for all you have lost,

for all you have to let go,

for all your pain

weep

weep the tears of love and hate and anger and regret

kneel and weep in humility

kneel and look up at that which you normally look down to

kneel and weep

kneel and thank the universe for all life has handed you

kneel and weep

kneel and weep and bow down to your demons your hopes

your dreams fulfilled,

your visions shattered

your regrets that consume

your pain that tears

your anger that clouds

your idealism that shrouds

kneel and weep

and weep

let go.

© Christie Marie Kruger


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