Tag Archives: tears

My friend Rosie

My friend Rosie died.

People keep talking to me about work and their problems and life and I keep looking at them thinking “my friend Rosie died, why aren’t you sad?”

She was amazing. Strong. Beautiful. Funny. Ridiculously intelligent. She had a heart that was too big for one person, it overflowed from her onto others.
She was wise. When I was falling apart, torn at the seams, she gave me words that made me strong and that played over and over in my head. I thought “I hope I am as wise as you one day.”
She was a warrior princess. Tougher than anyone I have ever known. Courageous seems too simple a word for her.
She had eyes that looked into the deepest part of you, and you could try and hide what was really going on inside, but she would reach in, pull the truth out and hug it.
Her laugh was like listening to a playground of children, it filled you with joy and hope and rainbows.

The whole world should be sad. Everyone should be in mourning. Flags should be flying at half mast.

We lost a superwoman. It is a space that will never be filled.

She is my hero forever more.

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I Choose to say Goodbye

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.
Wayne Dyer

 

Yesterday, being a rather emotional day, one where I didn’t have the control I normally have, where music says too much, and you grieve the people you miss and you cry for no reason and every reason, I was taught two lessons, by two very different people. Both have completely different roles in my life, one who probably knows everything about me, inside and out, who once saved me from myself and then proceeded to break me in a way I hadn’t quite broken before. The other someone who I have met, briefly and occasionally, and with whom I have a somewhat written relationship, a fellow lover of beautiful things and wondrous words, someone, far more intelligent than I, which I am loathe to admit by the way.

 

Two people in polar opposite ways changed my day. Both brought me to tears. The person who knows me best, again tossed me aside, and the other drew me in. One made me feel that my emotions were nothing more than a waste of time and my tears ran at his cold indifference, and the other, whose words, so beautiful, cut so close to home that my emotion spilled into tears of relief.

 

I’m a firm believer that everyone plays a part in teaching you, in helping you choose who you want to be. I made two choices last night, one to let go of the person who brings me to my knees in tears and grief more often than I would ever admit, my shower having seen far more than my naked body, but that of my naked grieving soul too many times to count. The other was to be grateful for a friend, although not known well to me socially but known to me in understanding and sharing.

 

The lessons.

 

  1. When people show you their true colours, don’t try to re-paint them.

  2. When people show you their souls, appreciate how much of a gift that is.

 

So this morning when I awoke, the pain had dulled to a mere sporadic throb and I looked to the day realising that I have to keep moving forward, I’ve done it before, I have always done it. I have overcome struggles that have required me to focus on positivity and courage and perseverance and more than that, hope. I have survived so far, I have not died from a broken heart or illnesses that could have taken me, I have not ever fallen down and failed to get back up. I am blessed. I am truly blessed. And if I am to be truly honest, the people who knelt down to help me up have been the ones least expected, as have the ones that have knocked me down and tried to keep me there.

 

So it is time. I may take the person I have loved and lost with me, but only in memory and in heart, there is no space in my life for him any more. In the words of probably one of the most incredible songs ever written:

 

Time to say goodbye paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te adesso si li vivro
Con te partiro su navi per mari che, io lo so
No, no, non esistono piu con te io li rivivro


The stupid love letter

Image

Dear “Charlie Brown”

I miss you. The pain hasn’t eased, but I’m learning to lie to myself enough so that I can pretend that we are both just waiting for the right time. I thought that if maybe I poured out my heart on paper, if I could stop lying to myself about who you are to me, it would ease this pain that twists and tears my insides apart, that causes my throat to close as silent tears rain from me to the paper I write on blurring my words.

I want to write poetic prose so profound you read it and think “I can’t leave”. I want to be so honest you know without any doubt that I am the one, but I won’t.

I will just write a letter, restrained and only half emotional where I just say I miss you, that I understand why we had to let each other go, that the reasons don’t make it easier even though I know I’m supposed to love you enough to let go.

I want your arms around me while we dance, I want those moments where we don’t say anything, yet everything is said.

This is just me saying everything you are to me, so you know how everything I want pales in comparison to how I want those moments of happiness back, those moments where we looked at each other and were grateful that someone understood when no one else could or would.

I know you won’t change your mind I know you won’t say you love me and stay, instead of saying you love me so you have to go.

I know that I told you I would wait, and you said no.

Well this isn’t a poem where I pour my heart onto paper in fancy words and rhyming, there are no long hours of thought involved here, where I rearrange how I say something and change it a hundred times till it sounds just right. This isn’t a letter where I beg you to come back. This isn’t me wondering if it will change. I know it won’t. I know what we had is gone.

This is just me saying I miss you.

Love

The little redhead girl


Breathe

Breathe

Can you feel it?

Breathe

Life

Your life

Your soul

In that breath

See it in your mind’s eye

The “I”,

The “me”

It’s your life

The peace

The chaos

The disorder

The love

The anger

The tears

The laughter

Breathe

Till that last breath you take

Your life, your soul

Just breathe

© Christie Marie Kruger


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