Tag Archives: the present

A Love(ly) conversation

She looked at me with big round eyes and asked “have you ever been in love?”

My mind whirled backward delving in to the past,

“A few times.” I answered, and she looked at me intently and asked “but isn’t there supposed to be just one?”

I smiled and answered, “they were all the one at the time”.

“There was the first one, my first everything, my first love and my first heartbreak, and it tore me to shreds and I lost the self I hadn’t found yet;

Then there was the second one and he put a ring upon my finger and we were happy, ‘till we weren’t, he was the one that made me search for myself.

Then there was the one who loved me so much, he spent his time breaking me to fix me the way he wanted, and that didn’t work, and it broke and tore me to pieces, not so much because he broke my heart, but because I let him break my spirit, he was the one that taught me not to let go of the self I had found.

Then there was the one, oh the one…. the one who lifted me higher than I have ever been, and drove me crazy, and our relationship was on and off, and no matter how hard we tried to resist each other, we failed and kept coming back around to each other. He is still the one, but not for long. He is going away to find himself, and he has taught me that I can let go because I love him, that time together is about the present, not about the past and not about the future.”

She looked confused and scrunched her eyes and bit her lip, trying to stop the words that were bound to fall out. “but some people have just one love, don’t they?”

“Yes”, I replied, “they do, but I think I’m lucky for having a few ones”.

“What will you do when he goes away”? she asked cautiously.

“I will wait a while,” I said, realising the impact of the words to follow, “until he comes back, or until he doesn’t come back, and then, and then I think I may meet the last one.”

“Love sounds horrible,” she said twisting her teddy’s ear.

“It’s glorious,” I answered, “horribly glorious.” She nodded, said “okay” and put her hand over mine, and I smiled and wiped away a tear that had wandered down my cheek and I wished her a life time of love. © Christie Marie Kruger 2013

 

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A string of moments

I remember once, holding onto my past with all my might, wishing and hoping with every part of me that time would rewind, and the space in between would not matter, and life would pick up at a happy memory and go on the way I wanted it to.

I remember once, knowing without doubt, that I knew what should have happened, how it should’ve happened and what should not have happened and that everything that had occurred behind me was a grave mistake that the universe would undo once she realised the error of her ways.

I remember once, fighting against every new chance, every new opportunity, bathing myself in the old and lost and not forgotten, desperately clinging to an idealised movie of my past as though it was the only truth, enveloping myself in the bubble wrap of defiance.

I remember, deciding to let go and discovering that it could not be done in one moment but that it was a string of moments woven together by courage and hope that made possible a new path, a string of moments, both torturous and exquisite.

I remember, the moments that took me forward and the moments that took me back, swinging between the yearning of the past and the craving for the future, a string of moments that slowly began writing a new chapter I had not noticed I had began.

I remember the moment where I looked back and the past had become my history.

© Christie Marie Kruger 2013


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