Once I fell in love madly. Love at first sight. We were flawed, with open wounds. We went our separate ways, searching for ourselves.
Once I fell in love slowly and steadily in a friendship that blossomed and grew. Two people finding out how to love ourselves and somehow in between our love entwined and created a bond.
I did not fall in love with two different people. I fell in love with one person twice.
I fell in love with crazy singing in the car, shared pizzas, running naked through waterfalls, sliding in mud. I fell in love with a person who wasn’t afraid of his dreams no matter how daunting, a person who challenges my insecurities, forces me to grow by leaping despite fear. I fell in love with the way he holds my hand, and laughs at me and with me. I fell in love with the way he doesn’t laugh at me falling over things that aren’t there, nor does he run to rescue me from my clumsiness, but rather how he just holds out his hand to help me up.
I fell in love with a mind speeding faster than mine, with a multitude of open google tabs, literally and figuratively. I fell in love with the way he says “I understand” and means it. I love the way he hugs me so hard I cannot breathe, the way he pulls me close when I lest expect it. The way he runs his fingers up my spine when he is standing close.
I fell in love with the quiet moments where nothing was said, but the silence didn’t matter. I fell in love with the way he gently brushes my hair from my face as I am falling asleep and the way he calls me beautiful first thing in the morning and tells me my hair is “full bodied” when it in fact looks like a mini chewbacca is attached to my head.
I love talking about everything and nothing. I love the small things and the moments that are just ours. I love the way he forgives and tries to understand everyone rather than judge them.
I am in love with my best friend.
I have seemingly been kidnapped by my own imagination
have I escaped my reality by my own idealised distraction?
I have been trying to blog since yesterday morning, without luck. Try as I might I cannot seem to stay focussed. I know why and at first it shocked me. I am idealising another human being. Then I thought about it and thought, hang on a minute, don’t we do that with most people. I have studied human behaviour and unless I am actually focussed on it I pretty much miss clues about who people really are, hell I completely missed all clues in a previous relationship where I was living with someone who had borderline personality disorder. How? How did miss it, because I wanted to. Oh I knew there was something wrong, but I ignored that and idealised the person and the situation. So is there really anything wrong with idealising someone or a connection now, creating a idealistic friendship or connection with someone I don’t know. I mean do we ever really know anyone? Something else I considered is that this is safe, there’s no chance of rejection or arguments that can’t be resolved. The situation as it presents really is quite honest in it’s simplicity. Respect, admiration, and understanding. Things will change, as they always do and the dynamic will change, so why not just live in this moment with this idealised connection. Why am I trying to analyse myself and talk myself out of it. Many a writer, artist, poet has had a muse. So why not just go with it.
“All of us need to be in touch with a mysterious, tantalizing source of inspiration that teases our sense of wonder and goads us on to life’s next adventure.”
― Rob Brezsny
I feel like there is a part of me grieving
But I don’t know why
I feel like I have lost something
Maybe something I never had
I feel like there is a void that has grown inside me,
Yes that is it, a void has grown inside me, so maybe I haven’t lost something
Maybe I have found something I can never have
That knowledge growing inside me, a void…..
© Christie Marie Kruger