Tag Archives: understanding

the love

Once I fell in love madly. Love at first sight. We were flawed, with open wounds. We went our separate ways, searching for ourselves.

Once I fell in love slowly and steadily in a friendship that blossomed and grew. Two people finding out how to love ourselves and somehow in between our love entwined and created a bond.

I did not fall in love with two different people. I fell in love with one person twice.

I fell in love with crazy singing in the car, shared pizzas, running naked through waterfalls, sliding in mud. I fell in love with a person who wasn’t afraid of his dreams no matter how daunting, a person who challenges my insecurities, forces me to grow by leaping despite fear. I fell in love with the way he holds my hand, and laughs at me and with me. I fell in love with the way he doesn’t laugh at me falling over things that aren’t there, nor does he run to rescue me from my clumsiness, but rather how he just holds out his hand to help me up.

I fell in love with a mind speeding faster than mine, with a multitude of open google tabs, literally and figuratively. I fell in love with the way he says “I understand” and means it. I love the way he hugs me so hard I cannot breathe, the way he pulls me close when I lest expect it. The way he runs his fingers up my spine when he is standing close.

I fell in love with the quiet moments where nothing was said, but the silence didn’t matter. I fell in love with the way he gently brushes my hair from my face as I am falling asleep and the way he  calls me beautiful first thing in the morning and tells me my hair is “full bodied” when it in fact looks like a mini chewbacca is attached to my head.

I love talking about everything and nothing. I love the small things and the moments that are just ours. I love the way he forgives and tries to understand everyone rather than judge them.  

I am in love with my best friend.

 


The Muse

I have seemingly been kidnapped by my own imagination

have I escaped my reality by my own idealised distraction?

I have been trying to blog since yesterday morning, without luck. Try as I might I cannot seem to stay focussed. I know why and at first it shocked me. I am idealising another human being. Then I thought about it and thought, hang on a minute, don’t we do that with most people. I have studied human behaviour and unless I am actually focussed on it I pretty much miss clues about who people really are, hell I completely missed all clues in a previous relationship where I was living with someone who had borderline personality disorder. How? How did miss it, because I wanted to. Oh I knew there was something wrong, but I ignored that and idealised the person and the situation. So is there really anything wrong with idealising someone or a connection now, creating a idealistic friendship or connection with someone I don’t know. I mean do we ever really know anyone? Something else I considered is that this is safe, there’s no chance of rejection or arguments that can’t be resolved. The situation as it presents really is quite honest in it’s simplicity. Respect, admiration, and understanding. Things will change, as they always do and the dynamic will change, so why not just live in this moment with this idealised connection. Why am I trying to analyse myself and talk myself out of it. Many a writer, artist, poet has had a muse. So why not just go with it.

All of us need to be in touch with a mysterious, tantalizing source of inspiration that teases our sense of wonder and goads us on to life’s next adventure.” 
― Rob Brezsny


I Choose to say Goodbye

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.
Wayne Dyer

 

Yesterday, being a rather emotional day, one where I didn’t have the control I normally have, where music says too much, and you grieve the people you miss and you cry for no reason and every reason, I was taught two lessons, by two very different people. Both have completely different roles in my life, one who probably knows everything about me, inside and out, who once saved me from myself and then proceeded to break me in a way I hadn’t quite broken before. The other someone who I have met, briefly and occasionally, and with whom I have a somewhat written relationship, a fellow lover of beautiful things and wondrous words, someone, far more intelligent than I, which I am loathe to admit by the way.

 

Two people in polar opposite ways changed my day. Both brought me to tears. The person who knows me best, again tossed me aside, and the other drew me in. One made me feel that my emotions were nothing more than a waste of time and my tears ran at his cold indifference, and the other, whose words, so beautiful, cut so close to home that my emotion spilled into tears of relief.

 

I’m a firm believer that everyone plays a part in teaching you, in helping you choose who you want to be. I made two choices last night, one to let go of the person who brings me to my knees in tears and grief more often than I would ever admit, my shower having seen far more than my naked body, but that of my naked grieving soul too many times to count. The other was to be grateful for a friend, although not known well to me socially but known to me in understanding and sharing.

 

The lessons.

 

  1. When people show you their true colours, don’t try to re-paint them.

  2. When people show you their souls, appreciate how much of a gift that is.

 

So this morning when I awoke, the pain had dulled to a mere sporadic throb and I looked to the day realising that I have to keep moving forward, I’ve done it before, I have always done it. I have overcome struggles that have required me to focus on positivity and courage and perseverance and more than that, hope. I have survived so far, I have not died from a broken heart or illnesses that could have taken me, I have not ever fallen down and failed to get back up. I am blessed. I am truly blessed. And if I am to be truly honest, the people who knelt down to help me up have been the ones least expected, as have the ones that have knocked me down and tried to keep me there.

 

So it is time. I may take the person I have loved and lost with me, but only in memory and in heart, there is no space in my life for him any more. In the words of probably one of the most incredible songs ever written:

 

Time to say goodbye paesi che non ho mai
Veduto e vissuto con te adesso si li vivro
Con te partiro su navi per mari che, io lo so
No, no, non esistono piu con te io li rivivro


VOID

I feel like there is a part of me grieving

But I don’t know why

I feel like I have lost something

Maybe something I never had

I feel like there is a void that has grown inside me,

Yes that is it, a void has grown inside me, so maybe I haven’t lost something

Maybe I have found something I can never have

That knowledge growing inside me, a void…..

© Christie Marie Kruger


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