It’s not often that I feel the need to freely express myself without doing it in poetry which is where I am most comfortable, it almost gives me a wall of protection from my thoughts because I have to focus on a specific way of expressing myself. Today, however, I have decided to just write about how I am feeling, without prose. As a behavioural science and psychology student I am all aware of the focus on being a complete individual without needing someone “to complete” you and delving into this further, that one should not NEED acknowledgement from others to feel fulfilled or whole. I’m sure that works well for perfect people, or people who have reached a level of self awareness or enlightenment that I clearly have not reached.
I am just an ordinary flawed human being and fairly well balanced, although I have my slightly psychotic moments. I am struggling. I acknowledge a particular person in my life every day, and yet I do not receive the same kind of acknowledgement, if at all, and I am constantly reminded of such, possibly I am more aware of it now because it has been highlighted by certain recent events and comments and it is starting to hurt. On the other side of this I have a person who acknowledges me all the time, acknowledges who I am , how I am, who shows appreciation for me as a friend and as an important part of their life and our friendship is so much richer for this mutual respect, and appreciation and perhaps love in a sense.
Ahhhhh, mutual.….. good word, often used completely out of context. When someone throws “mutual” at me, I worry. From my experience I have learned that often this means “me”. That’s right “mutual respect” means respect me, often the “I will respect you” is left out of this two way street.
I always try and see things from another’s perspective, but I’m beginning to wonder if someone’s inability or failure to try and see things from my perspective perhaps equals disrespect. And perhaps this is partly my fault for allowing people to rely on my acknowledgement, respect, love, and yet I do not hold them to them same standard. I don’t want to demand this of anyone, but I do feel I have earned it; respect and acknowledgement that is.
I think in relationships across the board, what you want from a relationship is what you should give, and I think if one person becomes a giver and the other a “taker” so to speak, perhaps a re-evaluation is necessary. Perhaps your energy should be focussed on yourself and the people around you that deserve your energy. I don’t want to “need” anyone and I don’t like feeling like I am only acknowledged when needed, I truly believe that relationships are not 70/30 or 50/50 or 20/80 I believe they are 100/100. So do I now say that I need to take a step back or do I continue to put into the relationship that which I would like in return?
Here is my honest opinion:
Imagine your life without that person in it. Taking someone for granted is akin to forgetting or ignoring what that person’s role is in your life. Perhaps I have taught people that I will be there no matter what, and yet never asked for that in return. Maybe I need to ask for the acknowledgement and further ask that person to imagine their life without me and for me to imagine my life without them and I think the answer will become clear. I honestly feel that if my absence from someone’s life would not really matter, then perhaps I don’t belong there in the first place or perhaps the relationship needs to change to a somewhat “acquaintance” level. For me, the biggest concern is that when I ask myself who I turn to when life is beating me up, who is the person I reveal my feelings to, I realise it isn’t who it should be………..